Went out to Gunslingers with Meghan last night, that was an adventure. Not really. We were hanging out, drinking dancing. Made friends with these tattooed crazy guys named Kevin and Bean (Bean knows Dustin, the guy who did my tattoo. Small world.) and we were all just chilling, dancing, having a good time. Then Meghan's booze catches up with her and she gets sick and she's drunk off her ass and I have to take her home...at 11:30p...2 hours after we got there. I was irritated as all hell...this really cool band was playing and the DJ said they sing a cover of one of my favorite fucking songs but we had to leave at like 11:30p. Then Meghan insisted on driving home, smashed. I told her I'd call the cops but I didn't. She seemed okay when she left but I'm gonna take some time off from her I think...she just got on my last fucking nerve last night.
Last night was also miserable because I opened up to Leeann via text message about the whole Mike thing...she doesn't remember much but I had text her and told her to come out with us and bring the guys and all but Idk.
Me: "There's a really cool band playing you guys should all come down when your done"
Leann: "Not a good idea"
Me: "Why, how drunk is he?"
Leann: "Please tell me you are done trying for Mike."
Leann: "Has nothing to do with that."
Me: "After the other night completely. He's nothing more to me than a friend. That's it. I'm done. He
made himself very clear."
Leann: "I'm glad you came to that decision. Don't worry, there is someone out there for you."
Me: "Well I'm trying to be polite and invite. Ya'll invited me out the other night and you can only play so much d&d I don't give two shits about Mike beyond his safety and his happiness. He could go date Heather or whatever her name is for all I care. Hell, bring her here. I'd love to meet her. I'd buy her a drink."
Me: "Yeah and as bad as I wanted to be with Mike I don't care anymore. I'm me and I'm happy. He could make out with you and I'd buy you a drink"
Leann: "W o h calm down chicka."
Leann: "I'm sorry it happened that way. I tried a big flashing neon warning sign."
Me: "I know. I'm dumb and I didn't listen."
Leann: "I'm sorry."
Me: "It makes me sad because I don't want to give up hope. I genuinely love and care for him, but he
needs someone gorgeous inside and out and I'm not that girl no matter how bad I wanna be."
Leann: "Dear...when you find the right one, it won't matter what your like on the outside."
Me: "I wanted to be his everything though, you know? I fell for him way too quick and I fell hard."
Leann: "If I smack you over the head with a frying pan, will you get it then?"
Me: "I get it. He practically smacked me over the head with a frying pan that night. I get it. I cried myself
to sleep next to him sleeping like a baby. I get it."
Leann: "I wish I had been a little more sober. I remember bits and pieces."
Me: "He took my heart, threw it against a wall, spit on it and set it on fire. You don't want to remember.
Trust me."
Leann: "I remember lying on the floor talking to the cat."
Me: "Yeah be lucky."
I don't know who I'm trying to convince more...her or myself...
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
"Baby I'll be your soldier, gladly I'll do your bidding..."
There is no way to explain the way I feel this morning. I am completely and utterly numb inside and running off of less than an hour of sleep. Last night was the definition of a disaster in every way shape and form and of course, I bet money, M. won't remember 90% of it...and if he does, I might just lose my shit.
M. called me about 8pm asking me to meet him, his best friend, John, and his best friend's girlfriend, Leeann, at this bar, the Tilted Kilt. I was busy and had committed to picking up my aunt from work at 10pm so it wasn't an option. I got a call about 9:30pm asking "Are you sure you can't come??" and I relented and said "Okay, I can be there by 11:00pm or 11:30pm." I rushed home, got dressed, and got a message that they were at this bar called Fuzzie's. Drove out there and first thing I see when I walk in is M. all over Leeann. They have a very special bond because of some shit the three of them went through a few years back and I respect that and I recognize that there is no threat there, but it's still kind of bums me out to see it. I was fairly quiet, not too quiet at least not in my opinion.
Anyway, we hung at the bar for about thirty minutes and decided to move over to Leeann and John's house. While waiting for John to pay the tab, M. asked me what was wrong and I told him it was nothing worth talking about and it really wasn't but in true M. fashion he kept pushing me and pushing me so I brought it up. This turned into me and M. getting into a screaming match in the car on the way to his friend's house and things were said that I hope to God for his sake that he didn't mean. Cliff's notes of it: "You are a FRIEND. FRIEND. I have no romantic interest in you until you lose 60lbs" and "If that upsets you, cowboy up and fucking lose some weight." So when I got to John and Leeann's house I was obviously livid, I vented to Leeann for about five seconds and dropped it.
They were waiting on another friend Nick to get there and when Nick got there things got worse, not because of Nick's sheer presence but it just so happened the downturn coincided with his arrival. Him and M. were catching up and Nick asked about his ex-girlfriend. So M. whips out his phone and pulls up a picture of his ex kissing him on the cheek and I saw it. I didn't say anything, I grabbed my cigarettes and walked outside. Apparently M., John and Leeann played rock paper scissors to see who would come out to talk to me and unfortunately for M. he was shouldered with the burden. He comes outside and starts yelling at me, calls me a child and a spoiled brat, a fat bitch, tells me to go to hell and die, tells me fuck you fuck you fuck you I hope you die, all kinds of shit. And so I went inside to ask Nick to move his car. Leeann caught me before I got there and convinced me to stay for her, not for M. and so I agreed. M. and I did not talk, did not speak, hardly looked at each other.
Leeann was drinking and feeling a little upset with John and M. was trying to comfort her. I told Leeann to come outside and have a cigarette with me and M. was still trying to comfort her, I told him "I got it." and winked at him and pulled her outside. We were out there talking and venting and just chilling and M. comes out, opens his beer bottle on the brick wall and walks back inside, just being nosy. About five minutes later he comes out again, bullshits with Leeann and then tells her to go inside. He sat out there with me, went on about how he was sick of the shit and re-iterated again how he's completely unattracted to me and I'm a damn good friend but until I lose 80lbs I'll be nothing more. We were in the middle of talking when he walked away and went back inside, the last thing he said to me was "I'd rather sleep here than have to go home and sleep in the same bed with you." I followed him into John and Leeann's bedroom to try and get him to continue our conversation and he says "I don't care about you, I don't give a shit about you. I want you to leave. How does that make you feel?" So I went and got my stuff, told Nick to move the car and I followed him outside. As I'm walking out I can hear Leeann yelling at him, "FIX IT, FIX IT, I DON'T CARE HOW BUT YOU NEED TO FUCKING FIX IT NOW." And so M. comes outside and he says "Are you going home?" and I said "Are you really talking to me right now?" and he said "Are you going home because I think you should stay." And he came to hug me and I shoved him and said "The only reason you're out here is because Leeann said something, fuck you." and he throws up his hands, walked back in the house and goes "I tried to fix it." and so Leeann came outside and again, her and Nick talked me into staying. So I went inside and mainly talked to Nick and John. Leeann and M. dipped out a couple times to talk about God knows what, probably about Leeann and John or about M. and I, whatever. So a couple hours goes by and M. disappears outside, Leeann follows. The rest of us go in the backyard to have a cigarette. Leeann walks around the back and says "He promised to be nice to the next person who goes out there." and John, Leeann and Nick all looked at me. So I walked out front, walked inside, walked all over trying to find him, I couldn't. I went and got John and he immediately found him sitting against a tree. I gave them a couple minutes, waited, then went outside. John went in and I sat next to M. and we talked for a minute. Then he says to me, "You are a friend, a damn good friend, a great person, an awesome girl, you're fun to be around, you're a great friend...emphasis on friend. If I gave you a sword I'd expect you to fight next to me...but you're not my lover." And I told him "I realize that."
At that point I was so exhausted and numb and just over it, I didn't want to talk. We all know that what I wanted was for him to hug me, kiss me, and tell me he was sorry and it'd be alright. We all know that wasn't going to happen. So I go back inside, M. sits out there alone for awhile longer, John bouncing in between inside and outside. About 2:30am I go outside as John's coming in to get M. another beer. I told John not to, let me talk to him, and see if we could go home. So I go outside and ask him, "Hey, you about ready to go, it's dying down in there?" and he says "No." I sighed and said "Okay." and turned to walk away and he goes "What?" and I said "Nothing." "What?" "Nothing, there is no issue." "What??" and I said "I have to work in about four hours, I'm tired, I was wondering if we were going home yet or not, simple as that." and he said "Well I told you I'm not ready to leave so what's the issue?" and I said "I thought I just made it clear we have no issue." Then he says to me "Well if you wanna go take my damn house keys and get on with it. Take my keys and go, I don't give a damn." and I walked inside and went to tell the guys I was leaving. Well that turned into me getting sucked into a conversation with John and Nick about M. and why he treats me the way he does and just about everything in general. John says that M. really does care about me more than he lets on and refrenced us getting married one day and all of that. Well we sat there talking, Leeann went out to talk to M. some more then everyone was outside. John and Leeann went inside and Leeann got really sick. All four of us sat in there and took care of her for a little bit and decided to leave the two of them be and head our ways.
M and Nick drove together to M's house. Nick had mentioned being hungry and wanting some Powerade and I was craving some sweet tea something fierce so I went to McDonald's and got food and drinks for M. and Nick and then got back to the house. M.'s mood changed a bit when he saw me walk in, started hugging on me, telling me thank you, etc. etc. They ate and I wandered for a bit. About 4:30a I excused myself to go to bed and I heard M. and Nick saying their goodbyes. I got into bed, left the light on, and M. came in and started to get undressed for bed. He made small talk like he always feels the need to before bed and then climbed in. Said something about "The next girl I date can't be blind to what's going on around her, she has to have some eyes, not like you. You're lucky your damn cute otherwise I wouldn't waste my time." He came and laid down on top of me for a minute, turned over and started to snore. I stayed awake for about an hour, rubbing his back when he got short of breath and restless and finally I fell asleep.
I just cannot belive him. Even if I didn't love him or care about him in the capacity that I do, if I'm supposedly his "friend" than he should never speak to me like that...I'm curious to see what he's going to say, if he remembers any of it, if he's sorry, if he meant it...according to John he was in a mood and I could be 300lbs or 130lbs and it wouldn't have made a difference in the way he was last night. John and Nick tried to assuage me as much as they could, they've known him for a long time and Nick had a lot of great insight, not just into M. but into human nature in general. I thoroughly enjoyed his presence throughout the evening. John's too. I had a good time aside from the useless bullshit that M. put me through.
One thing that pissed me off to no end, when he was sitting under the tree and we were talking, he tried to blame me for everything...I told him "I take fault for a lot of shit, I know I acted childish earlier when I walked out, I know that I'm a fat bitch, I know a lot of things and one thing I know is that tonight is your fault...you can ask anyone of those people in the house and they'll tell you, tonight is on you." and all he said to me was "Go the hell home then."
I just don't get how less than a week ago I needed to "get ready to defend my position" and "we might have some explaining to do in the non-distant future." To me, that means "I realize how awesome you are and I know you're trying to lose weight but I'm seriously considering taking this seriously." and last night he "hates me" and I can "go to hell and die." I don't get him. And John tried to defend him and let me know he really didn't mean it and everything else but I'm a firm believer that drunken words are sober thoughts.
M. called me about 8pm asking me to meet him, his best friend, John, and his best friend's girlfriend, Leeann, at this bar, the Tilted Kilt. I was busy and had committed to picking up my aunt from work at 10pm so it wasn't an option. I got a call about 9:30pm asking "Are you sure you can't come??" and I relented and said "Okay, I can be there by 11:00pm or 11:30pm." I rushed home, got dressed, and got a message that they were at this bar called Fuzzie's. Drove out there and first thing I see when I walk in is M. all over Leeann. They have a very special bond because of some shit the three of them went through a few years back and I respect that and I recognize that there is no threat there, but it's still kind of bums me out to see it. I was fairly quiet, not too quiet at least not in my opinion.
Anyway, we hung at the bar for about thirty minutes and decided to move over to Leeann and John's house. While waiting for John to pay the tab, M. asked me what was wrong and I told him it was nothing worth talking about and it really wasn't but in true M. fashion he kept pushing me and pushing me so I brought it up. This turned into me and M. getting into a screaming match in the car on the way to his friend's house and things were said that I hope to God for his sake that he didn't mean. Cliff's notes of it: "You are a FRIEND. FRIEND. I have no romantic interest in you until you lose 60lbs" and "If that upsets you, cowboy up and fucking lose some weight." So when I got to John and Leeann's house I was obviously livid, I vented to Leeann for about five seconds and dropped it.
They were waiting on another friend Nick to get there and when Nick got there things got worse, not because of Nick's sheer presence but it just so happened the downturn coincided with his arrival. Him and M. were catching up and Nick asked about his ex-girlfriend. So M. whips out his phone and pulls up a picture of his ex kissing him on the cheek and I saw it. I didn't say anything, I grabbed my cigarettes and walked outside. Apparently M., John and Leeann played rock paper scissors to see who would come out to talk to me and unfortunately for M. he was shouldered with the burden. He comes outside and starts yelling at me, calls me a child and a spoiled brat, a fat bitch, tells me to go to hell and die, tells me fuck you fuck you fuck you I hope you die, all kinds of shit. And so I went inside to ask Nick to move his car. Leeann caught me before I got there and convinced me to stay for her, not for M. and so I agreed. M. and I did not talk, did not speak, hardly looked at each other.
Leeann was drinking and feeling a little upset with John and M. was trying to comfort her. I told Leeann to come outside and have a cigarette with me and M. was still trying to comfort her, I told him "I got it." and winked at him and pulled her outside. We were out there talking and venting and just chilling and M. comes out, opens his beer bottle on the brick wall and walks back inside, just being nosy. About five minutes later he comes out again, bullshits with Leeann and then tells her to go inside. He sat out there with me, went on about how he was sick of the shit and re-iterated again how he's completely unattracted to me and I'm a damn good friend but until I lose 80lbs I'll be nothing more. We were in the middle of talking when he walked away and went back inside, the last thing he said to me was "I'd rather sleep here than have to go home and sleep in the same bed with you." I followed him into John and Leeann's bedroom to try and get him to continue our conversation and he says "I don't care about you, I don't give a shit about you. I want you to leave. How does that make you feel?" So I went and got my stuff, told Nick to move the car and I followed him outside. As I'm walking out I can hear Leeann yelling at him, "FIX IT, FIX IT, I DON'T CARE HOW BUT YOU NEED TO FUCKING FIX IT NOW." And so M. comes outside and he says "Are you going home?" and I said "Are you really talking to me right now?" and he said "Are you going home because I think you should stay." And he came to hug me and I shoved him and said "The only reason you're out here is because Leeann said something, fuck you." and he throws up his hands, walked back in the house and goes "I tried to fix it." and so Leeann came outside and again, her and Nick talked me into staying. So I went inside and mainly talked to Nick and John. Leeann and M. dipped out a couple times to talk about God knows what, probably about Leeann and John or about M. and I, whatever. So a couple hours goes by and M. disappears outside, Leeann follows. The rest of us go in the backyard to have a cigarette. Leeann walks around the back and says "He promised to be nice to the next person who goes out there." and John, Leeann and Nick all looked at me. So I walked out front, walked inside, walked all over trying to find him, I couldn't. I went and got John and he immediately found him sitting against a tree. I gave them a couple minutes, waited, then went outside. John went in and I sat next to M. and we talked for a minute. Then he says to me, "You are a friend, a damn good friend, a great person, an awesome girl, you're fun to be around, you're a great friend...emphasis on friend. If I gave you a sword I'd expect you to fight next to me...but you're not my lover." And I told him "I realize that."
At that point I was so exhausted and numb and just over it, I didn't want to talk. We all know that what I wanted was for him to hug me, kiss me, and tell me he was sorry and it'd be alright. We all know that wasn't going to happen. So I go back inside, M. sits out there alone for awhile longer, John bouncing in between inside and outside. About 2:30am I go outside as John's coming in to get M. another beer. I told John not to, let me talk to him, and see if we could go home. So I go outside and ask him, "Hey, you about ready to go, it's dying down in there?" and he says "No." I sighed and said "Okay." and turned to walk away and he goes "What?" and I said "Nothing." "What?" "Nothing, there is no issue." "What??" and I said "I have to work in about four hours, I'm tired, I was wondering if we were going home yet or not, simple as that." and he said "Well I told you I'm not ready to leave so what's the issue?" and I said "I thought I just made it clear we have no issue." Then he says to me "Well if you wanna go take my damn house keys and get on with it. Take my keys and go, I don't give a damn." and I walked inside and went to tell the guys I was leaving. Well that turned into me getting sucked into a conversation with John and Nick about M. and why he treats me the way he does and just about everything in general. John says that M. really does care about me more than he lets on and refrenced us getting married one day and all of that. Well we sat there talking, Leeann went out to talk to M. some more then everyone was outside. John and Leeann went inside and Leeann got really sick. All four of us sat in there and took care of her for a little bit and decided to leave the two of them be and head our ways.
M and Nick drove together to M's house. Nick had mentioned being hungry and wanting some Powerade and I was craving some sweet tea something fierce so I went to McDonald's and got food and drinks for M. and Nick and then got back to the house. M.'s mood changed a bit when he saw me walk in, started hugging on me, telling me thank you, etc. etc. They ate and I wandered for a bit. About 4:30a I excused myself to go to bed and I heard M. and Nick saying their goodbyes. I got into bed, left the light on, and M. came in and started to get undressed for bed. He made small talk like he always feels the need to before bed and then climbed in. Said something about "The next girl I date can't be blind to what's going on around her, she has to have some eyes, not like you. You're lucky your damn cute otherwise I wouldn't waste my time." He came and laid down on top of me for a minute, turned over and started to snore. I stayed awake for about an hour, rubbing his back when he got short of breath and restless and finally I fell asleep.
I just cannot belive him. Even if I didn't love him or care about him in the capacity that I do, if I'm supposedly his "friend" than he should never speak to me like that...I'm curious to see what he's going to say, if he remembers any of it, if he's sorry, if he meant it...according to John he was in a mood and I could be 300lbs or 130lbs and it wouldn't have made a difference in the way he was last night. John and Nick tried to assuage me as much as they could, they've known him for a long time and Nick had a lot of great insight, not just into M. but into human nature in general. I thoroughly enjoyed his presence throughout the evening. John's too. I had a good time aside from the useless bullshit that M. put me through.
One thing that pissed me off to no end, when he was sitting under the tree and we were talking, he tried to blame me for everything...I told him "I take fault for a lot of shit, I know I acted childish earlier when I walked out, I know that I'm a fat bitch, I know a lot of things and one thing I know is that tonight is your fault...you can ask anyone of those people in the house and they'll tell you, tonight is on you." and all he said to me was "Go the hell home then."
I just don't get how less than a week ago I needed to "get ready to defend my position" and "we might have some explaining to do in the non-distant future." To me, that means "I realize how awesome you are and I know you're trying to lose weight but I'm seriously considering taking this seriously." and last night he "hates me" and I can "go to hell and die." I don't get him. And John tried to defend him and let me know he really didn't mean it and everything else but I'm a firm believer that drunken words are sober thoughts.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Life is not what I thought it was 24 hours ago..."
I just ate Chinese crap food for the first time in 3 weeks and my stomach is ridiculously upset now. Thank you China One but no thank you. Blech. I am so sleepy, I cannot stop yawning and it's driving me crazy!! Ugh. I'm gonna go get my eyebrows waxed afterwork, they're scary...and I'm debating on whether or not I want to dye my hair black. I feel like my hair is finally starting to behave, my roots are starting to show through.
Spent the night at M.'s last night. It was a good night overall...we had a rough start, he was in a bad mood and he was drinking but once he got that good buzz going we had a good time. It was like it was before, we sang to each other and were just very touchy feely and I held him while we fell asleep...I miss doing that, I miss being able to hold him at night...normally it's the other way around, it's a guy holding the girl, making her feel safe but I get a sense of pride and a happy warmth inside knowing that I can bring him comfort.
I'm really eager to get to the gym today, I don't know why. I have a couple errands to run first, couple things to do, but I really want to go and just bust my ass. I want to lose 2 sizes by July 4th. That's my short term goal. I want to be down into a size 14. I'll be content to get to a 16 but what I really want is to be in a 14. I'm going to really tighten up on my eating and drinking and physical activities. I meet with Jason on Friday morning at 6am to work out and comprise a plan for me. My biggest thing is creating a diet and sticking with it!! Before he had me at like 1200 calories a day but I'm willing to cut that in half and eat nothing but celery and watermelon for the rest of my life. =/ I just want to get down to my goal so bad, I want to feel comfortable in my bathing suit and get my tattoos and do all the things I wanna do. I want a tattoo from my ribcage to my hip and I know I'll never get it if I stay fat like I am now, lol. I want two tats on my hips too and maybe one across my back. All of them will be hidden of course.
I stopped by Fat Ink last night and talked to an artist named Jackie. She said she can definitely fix up the tattoo on my foot and maybe add a background to it to distract from the bleeding where Dustin messed it up. I really love my tattoo but I wish I would have thought ahead enough to get someone who is a licensed professional to do it, not someone who runs it out of the back room of their house. Ugh. And to think, I paid $50 for it. Piece of shit. I could have had Dixie do it because I love her and trust her and could have beat her ass if she screwed it up. If Jackie does good work fixing up my foot maybe I'll have her keep doing my tattoos in the future, who knows. I know I want more. I won't get anything too crazy, the biggest piece I get will probably be the one from my hip to my rib cage.
Spent the night at M.'s last night. It was a good night overall...we had a rough start, he was in a bad mood and he was drinking but once he got that good buzz going we had a good time. It was like it was before, we sang to each other and were just very touchy feely and I held him while we fell asleep...I miss doing that, I miss being able to hold him at night...normally it's the other way around, it's a guy holding the girl, making her feel safe but I get a sense of pride and a happy warmth inside knowing that I can bring him comfort.
I'm really eager to get to the gym today, I don't know why. I have a couple errands to run first, couple things to do, but I really want to go and just bust my ass. I want to lose 2 sizes by July 4th. That's my short term goal. I want to be down into a size 14. I'll be content to get to a 16 but what I really want is to be in a 14. I'm going to really tighten up on my eating and drinking and physical activities. I meet with Jason on Friday morning at 6am to work out and comprise a plan for me. My biggest thing is creating a diet and sticking with it!! Before he had me at like 1200 calories a day but I'm willing to cut that in half and eat nothing but celery and watermelon for the rest of my life. =/ I just want to get down to my goal so bad, I want to feel comfortable in my bathing suit and get my tattoos and do all the things I wanna do. I want a tattoo from my ribcage to my hip and I know I'll never get it if I stay fat like I am now, lol. I want two tats on my hips too and maybe one across my back. All of them will be hidden of course.
I stopped by Fat Ink last night and talked to an artist named Jackie. She said she can definitely fix up the tattoo on my foot and maybe add a background to it to distract from the bleeding where Dustin messed it up. I really love my tattoo but I wish I would have thought ahead enough to get someone who is a licensed professional to do it, not someone who runs it out of the back room of their house. Ugh. And to think, I paid $50 for it. Piece of shit. I could have had Dixie do it because I love her and trust her and could have beat her ass if she screwed it up. If Jackie does good work fixing up my foot maybe I'll have her keep doing my tattoos in the future, who knows. I know I want more. I won't get anything too crazy, the biggest piece I get will probably be the one from my hip to my rib cage.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
"Don't you know nobody drinks alone"
Last night was...last night. I went to the gym until about eight, got home and about nine M. called me and essentially invited me over...it was more a discussion of "I don't care if you come over" proportions. Anyway, I knew he'd be drinking and I hate when he drinks alone because 9 times out of 10 he'll call me to come over anyways because drinking alone he gets depressed. So I figured why not just go, keep him some company, have a couple glasses of wine and go to bed? Harmless, right?
BAD IDEA! Not because we had a bad night per say but because apparently I had more wine than I thought and spent midnight on sick as hell. Bad thing, I didn't get there until 10pm. I downed half a jug of wine in two hours and I damn sure payed for it. It was so random too, I just got up to go to the bathroom and when I got in there, boom. I have not been that sick from drinking in a long time and I've never been sick in front of M. before.
I am so thankful he was there. I was really embarrassed but I got over that quickly and accepted his assistance. He got me water and pepto bismol, he didn't even get mad about me getting sick on his bed, didn't get mad about anything. I know I said a lot of random stufff, I know I threw around "I love you" quite a few times which I don't say anymore unless I'm drinking. I don't know what set me off, I don't know why I drank so much. Part of it might have had to do with him mentioning that he was talking to this random girl he used to date. He said it's more out of curiousity than anything else, they've already tried to make it work twice and it hasn't. He asked if it would upset me if they started hanging out and I started to cry. It was more the wine than anything else, but even still. I told him if it becomes a daily or even semi-regular thing, of course I'd be upset.
We listened to this Kenny Chesney song I've never heard before and I immediately started to cry. It's called "Better as a Memory" and the hook to the song is "I was better as a memory than as your man." and it just reminds me of the way that things can go south with M. and I hope and pray that nothing goes south with him. I do love him, I seriously do. I can see myself marrying this guy in a practical sense. With Cedric it was more because he was my first love, he was the only thing I'd ever known romantically that way and I knew that I cared about him and loved him but marrying him was pushing it. With M. I can actually visualize our life together, I can see me and him getting married and having children and living happily ever after. We mesh that well when things are good and when things are bad we deal with them and move on, I can only think of one, maybe two fights in the past four months that have carried on past an hour. And all of our fights are over stupid little shit, nothing major or life changing.
Okay, back to work. I'm sure I'll ramble on some more later but I need to kill a few hours actually doing my damn job.
BAD IDEA! Not because we had a bad night per say but because apparently I had more wine than I thought and spent midnight on sick as hell. Bad thing, I didn't get there until 10pm. I downed half a jug of wine in two hours and I damn sure payed for it. It was so random too, I just got up to go to the bathroom and when I got in there, boom. I have not been that sick from drinking in a long time and I've never been sick in front of M. before.
I am so thankful he was there. I was really embarrassed but I got over that quickly and accepted his assistance. He got me water and pepto bismol, he didn't even get mad about me getting sick on his bed, didn't get mad about anything. I know I said a lot of random stufff, I know I threw around "I love you" quite a few times which I don't say anymore unless I'm drinking. I don't know what set me off, I don't know why I drank so much. Part of it might have had to do with him mentioning that he was talking to this random girl he used to date. He said it's more out of curiousity than anything else, they've already tried to make it work twice and it hasn't. He asked if it would upset me if they started hanging out and I started to cry. It was more the wine than anything else, but even still. I told him if it becomes a daily or even semi-regular thing, of course I'd be upset.
We listened to this Kenny Chesney song I've never heard before and I immediately started to cry. It's called "Better as a Memory" and the hook to the song is "I was better as a memory than as your man." and it just reminds me of the way that things can go south with M. and I hope and pray that nothing goes south with him. I do love him, I seriously do. I can see myself marrying this guy in a practical sense. With Cedric it was more because he was my first love, he was the only thing I'd ever known romantically that way and I knew that I cared about him and loved him but marrying him was pushing it. With M. I can actually visualize our life together, I can see me and him getting married and having children and living happily ever after. We mesh that well when things are good and when things are bad we deal with them and move on, I can only think of one, maybe two fights in the past four months that have carried on past an hour. And all of our fights are over stupid little shit, nothing major or life changing.
Okay, back to work. I'm sure I'll ramble on some more later but I need to kill a few hours actually doing my damn job.
Monday, May 24, 2010
"Well you done done me and you bet I felt it..."
After a rough weekend (to say the least) I have a renewed sense of hope and self...and people say Monday's are bad days.
Friday night I went out with Leeann and Meghan. Leeann and I grabbed drinks at Chilli's than headed to the Watering Trough with Meghan. We had a great time...drank a little much. M. came to pick us up way too early in our opinion but it was a free ride so the complaints were kept between us. Apparently when we got home, I made a complete fool of myself in front of M. while we were laying in bed. I don't remember exactly what words were exchanged but I know I was sad, I started to cry and M. rubbed my back and told me it would be okay and he held me for a little bit then rolled over and fell asleep. It was sweet for awhile and I'm at least thankful I remember his kindness and not everything else. The next morning was rough though, on both of us, me more so than him. I felt ashamed and I was a little grumpy and he was rightfully grumpy so it was just a rough day all around.
Saturday I spent the day cleaning my aunt's house with my mom and step-dad. It was a selfish gesture on my part because while I know my aunt needs help with such things, I did it mainly so that my mom and I would start speaking to each other again. We've been on the outs because she doesn't like me going out and spending the night out at people's houses, etc. etc. and I've done so three times in the last week.
M. and I had it out on Saturday night. Words were thrown around and things were said. He actually suggested that we not speak for three months until I lose weight and I about lost it both on him and myself. We're okay now, as okay as we can be I suppose. We talked a couple times breifly yesterday and he was short with me, borderline pissed each time so I left well enough alone, left him alone. Monday is generally a night I come spend the night since I have Tuesday's off and while I have my stuff to sleep over in the car just in case, I doubt he'll call. If he does, I don't know if I'll say yes. I have laundry and other obligations I need to fufill. My room is trashed and I want to play some guitar and maybe sew some bags tonight or make some jewelry, do something to distract me from thinking about him.
Work has been busy thankfully today. I've paused for the last two hours, I wrote the upper portion of this two hours ago and I just now have two seconds to add to it. I have eight callbacks pending, jobsheets to print for tomorrow, follow-up calls to complete and pre-calls to complete. I hate feeling rushed like this. I'm going to smoke a cigarette in a minute, relax and hopefully get ready to bust it out for the next four hours.
I spent the day at Meghan's house yesterday with her family. I love them, they're so upbeat and open. We hung around drinking beer and pina coladas, smoking cigarettes and playing volleyball. I had a lot of fun and it was really relaxing! I definitely needed that.
I'll probably write later when I get home...if I don't update we all know where I went but I haven't heard anything from him today so it is what it is.
Friday night I went out with Leeann and Meghan. Leeann and I grabbed drinks at Chilli's than headed to the Watering Trough with Meghan. We had a great time...drank a little much. M. came to pick us up way too early in our opinion but it was a free ride so the complaints were kept between us. Apparently when we got home, I made a complete fool of myself in front of M. while we were laying in bed. I don't remember exactly what words were exchanged but I know I was sad, I started to cry and M. rubbed my back and told me it would be okay and he held me for a little bit then rolled over and fell asleep. It was sweet for awhile and I'm at least thankful I remember his kindness and not everything else. The next morning was rough though, on both of us, me more so than him. I felt ashamed and I was a little grumpy and he was rightfully grumpy so it was just a rough day all around.
Saturday I spent the day cleaning my aunt's house with my mom and step-dad. It was a selfish gesture on my part because while I know my aunt needs help with such things, I did it mainly so that my mom and I would start speaking to each other again. We've been on the outs because she doesn't like me going out and spending the night out at people's houses, etc. etc. and I've done so three times in the last week.
M. and I had it out on Saturday night. Words were thrown around and things were said. He actually suggested that we not speak for three months until I lose weight and I about lost it both on him and myself. We're okay now, as okay as we can be I suppose. We talked a couple times breifly yesterday and he was short with me, borderline pissed each time so I left well enough alone, left him alone. Monday is generally a night I come spend the night since I have Tuesday's off and while I have my stuff to sleep over in the car just in case, I doubt he'll call. If he does, I don't know if I'll say yes. I have laundry and other obligations I need to fufill. My room is trashed and I want to play some guitar and maybe sew some bags tonight or make some jewelry, do something to distract me from thinking about him.
Work has been busy thankfully today. I've paused for the last two hours, I wrote the upper portion of this two hours ago and I just now have two seconds to add to it. I have eight callbacks pending, jobsheets to print for tomorrow, follow-up calls to complete and pre-calls to complete. I hate feeling rushed like this. I'm going to smoke a cigarette in a minute, relax and hopefully get ready to bust it out for the next four hours.
I spent the day at Meghan's house yesterday with her family. I love them, they're so upbeat and open. We hung around drinking beer and pina coladas, smoking cigarettes and playing volleyball. I had a lot of fun and it was really relaxing! I definitely needed that.
I'll probably write later when I get home...if I don't update we all know where I went but I haven't heard anything from him today so it is what it is.
Friday, May 21, 2010
"I wanna it swing, I wanna feel it sway..."
Working out everyday really does improve one's quality of life. I feel so much better about everything now a days. Even though I woke up sore and tired as hell today, I am still in a good mood, I am still looking forward to my work out this afternoon after work and looking forward to working out the day after that and so on and so forth.
Yesterday afterwork I went to the gym and then hung out with M. and his best friend...we had a damn good night til his friend's girlfriend showed up and dragged his best friend home. I don't get some girls, and M. and I spent the better part of last night's drive home as well as about 45 minutes just now talking about it over the phone. This girl thinks that she owns him...how do you "own" another person?? Her and I are gym buddies and so we talk a good bit, she constantly says things like "He's not a free man" and "He can't do whatever he wants"...sweetheart, it is our God-given right as American's to do whatever we want and whether he's with you or not, he will. She doesn't like him and M. to hang out because she thinks M. is a bad influence when in actuality, probably the ONLY reason they're still a couple this morning is because M. told him to stand down last night when he was starting to get mouthy, he told him that they'd just hang out today. We left M's car at their place because M. had been drinking so I drove us home and when M. was trying to breifly set it up so that his friend could take him to get his car, his friend's girlfriend is like "you don't have plans tomorrow...you DON'T have plans tomorrow, you have stuff to do..." I mean I enjoy this girls company and the four of us have hung out on more than one occasion...at first, things were hunky dory for lack of a better description, we all hung out and enjoyed ourselves but she's way too comfortable embarrassing him and trying to pull rank in front of his friends. In her defense, M. and this guy have been friends since they were about 11 or 12 and I've been around enough that they're comfortable around the two of us, but still, it's disrespect...blatant disrespect. M. and I talked a lot about it last night and how he's glad I'm not "bat-shit crazy" like this girl is. This girl seriously drove up, sat in her car for no less than three minutes than got out and stood there until his friend went over. She lit him up in front of me and M...it's just serious disrespect. How can you have a relationship without respecting someone? It's not plausible and it's not realistic.
We were having a damn good time though. I did a beer and pizza run for the guys since they were drinking already, hung out and a drank a beer, at a slice of pizza and bullshitted. It was the first time since I've met his friend that I've really seen him break out of his shell and actually have FUN! They were cracking jokes about the three of us and questionable activities *cough cough* and being very talkative and just having honest, harmless fun. She pulled up as her boyfriend was giving me a lap dance, we laughed our asses off. She didn't see it, Thank God, but we were all scared she did and M. laughed so hard he spit his beer out...it was the hardest I've ever seen his friend laugh and damn close to the hardest time I've ever seen M. laugh.
M. really impressed/surprised me last night with some of the things he said to me...I think last weekend woke him up and I'm glad, I'm so glad that I'm not wrong about him. Our conversations no longer include the word "if"...as in "If we start dating..." it's now a "when". "When we start dating..." He told me he doesn't give me enough credit and he does appreciate me. He said Thank You several times last night and called me about an hour ago just to Thank me again. Little shit like that speaks volumes! He's giving me a lot more credit, praise, affection, etc. We were actually able to sleep fairly well last night for the first time in about a week and there's a chance I may see him again tonight. I think a big part of the change between us is on my part as much as his. I'm not crowding him anymore...tonight for example, he mentioned something about drinking. I told him I'd be in Tampa but if he needed me, call me and I'd come get him. And he said he'd probably take me up on that. The way that's different than before is I'd normally hang around Largo, even if I had no money or any plans, I'd hang out and wait for the possibility of him calling me and that was stifling. He's beginning to trust me more and more now, which is a huge step for him because he's very wary of females considering the way he's been screwed over in the past. I know have free reign of his debit card when I need to run an errand at his benefit, last night's a good example. And he's more comfortable with my presence in front of other people, especially since he knows I've been busting my ass lately and that I'm only going to get better looking. Him and his friend apparently had a conversation about how M. is going to have "one hell of a girlfriend" and his friend, while we were eating, made a comment about how I was "smart and funny and sweet and fun to be around and SWEET" lol. It was funny. His friend does like me, which is good. It means a lot to M. to have one of his friends approval especially one of this particular friend's caliber. I was told last night that I "outrank" his friend's girlfriend as far as our little foursome goes. The only thing she has on me, she weighs less, but she carries it a lot more unattractively than I do for lack of a better way to describe it. You can tell she's built small, I'm not. There-in lies the difference.
But the fact that I "outrank" her and was flat out told that I "outrank" her means that M. and I are getting closer and closer to our happily ever after.
Yesterday afterwork I went to the gym and then hung out with M. and his best friend...we had a damn good night til his friend's girlfriend showed up and dragged his best friend home. I don't get some girls, and M. and I spent the better part of last night's drive home as well as about 45 minutes just now talking about it over the phone. This girl thinks that she owns him...how do you "own" another person?? Her and I are gym buddies and so we talk a good bit, she constantly says things like "He's not a free man" and "He can't do whatever he wants"...sweetheart, it is our God-given right as American's to do whatever we want and whether he's with you or not, he will. She doesn't like him and M. to hang out because she thinks M. is a bad influence when in actuality, probably the ONLY reason they're still a couple this morning is because M. told him to stand down last night when he was starting to get mouthy, he told him that they'd just hang out today. We left M's car at their place because M. had been drinking so I drove us home and when M. was trying to breifly set it up so that his friend could take him to get his car, his friend's girlfriend is like "you don't have plans tomorrow...you DON'T have plans tomorrow, you have stuff to do..." I mean I enjoy this girls company and the four of us have hung out on more than one occasion...at first, things were hunky dory for lack of a better description, we all hung out and enjoyed ourselves but she's way too comfortable embarrassing him and trying to pull rank in front of his friends. In her defense, M. and this guy have been friends since they were about 11 or 12 and I've been around enough that they're comfortable around the two of us, but still, it's disrespect...blatant disrespect. M. and I talked a lot about it last night and how he's glad I'm not "bat-shit crazy" like this girl is. This girl seriously drove up, sat in her car for no less than three minutes than got out and stood there until his friend went over. She lit him up in front of me and M...it's just serious disrespect. How can you have a relationship without respecting someone? It's not plausible and it's not realistic.
We were having a damn good time though. I did a beer and pizza run for the guys since they were drinking already, hung out and a drank a beer, at a slice of pizza and bullshitted. It was the first time since I've met his friend that I've really seen him break out of his shell and actually have FUN! They were cracking jokes about the three of us and questionable activities *cough cough* and being very talkative and just having honest, harmless fun. She pulled up as her boyfriend was giving me a lap dance, we laughed our asses off. She didn't see it, Thank God, but we were all scared she did and M. laughed so hard he spit his beer out...it was the hardest I've ever seen his friend laugh and damn close to the hardest time I've ever seen M. laugh.
M. really impressed/surprised me last night with some of the things he said to me...I think last weekend woke him up and I'm glad, I'm so glad that I'm not wrong about him. Our conversations no longer include the word "if"...as in "If we start dating..." it's now a "when". "When we start dating..." He told me he doesn't give me enough credit and he does appreciate me. He said Thank You several times last night and called me about an hour ago just to Thank me again. Little shit like that speaks volumes! He's giving me a lot more credit, praise, affection, etc. We were actually able to sleep fairly well last night for the first time in about a week and there's a chance I may see him again tonight. I think a big part of the change between us is on my part as much as his. I'm not crowding him anymore...tonight for example, he mentioned something about drinking. I told him I'd be in Tampa but if he needed me, call me and I'd come get him. And he said he'd probably take me up on that. The way that's different than before is I'd normally hang around Largo, even if I had no money or any plans, I'd hang out and wait for the possibility of him calling me and that was stifling. He's beginning to trust me more and more now, which is a huge step for him because he's very wary of females considering the way he's been screwed over in the past. I know have free reign of his debit card when I need to run an errand at his benefit, last night's a good example. And he's more comfortable with my presence in front of other people, especially since he knows I've been busting my ass lately and that I'm only going to get better looking. Him and his friend apparently had a conversation about how M. is going to have "one hell of a girlfriend" and his friend, while we were eating, made a comment about how I was "smart and funny and sweet and fun to be around and SWEET" lol. It was funny. His friend does like me, which is good. It means a lot to M. to have one of his friends approval especially one of this particular friend's caliber. I was told last night that I "outrank" his friend's girlfriend as far as our little foursome goes. The only thing she has on me, she weighs less, but she carries it a lot more unattractively than I do for lack of a better way to describe it. You can tell she's built small, I'm not. There-in lies the difference.
But the fact that I "outrank" her and was flat out told that I "outrank" her means that M. and I are getting closer and closer to our happily ever after.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"Drink a little drank, smoke a little smoke..."
So I feel wonderful! I've had a very fufilling past couple days and I haven't felt this good, this upbeat in a long time.
I went to the gym yesterday after work and put in two hours, woke up at an ungodly hour this morning and put in two hours and I'm going to go back to the gym after work for another couple hours. I'm addicted to working out for multiple reasons. 1) I felt like crap when I woke up this morning but as soon as I got in there and started working out, I felt great! 2) I want to slim down as much as possible in the next week or so because Meghan got VIP tickets to Shepherd's for Memorial Day Weekend 3) I want to get down to a healthy weight because I'll look and feel better and 4) M. has already told me how proud he is that I'm putting in so much time and effort and him and I have been getting along great lately and I just want us to be in a good place. He's kind of like my reward...you set goals and work hard to achieve them and reward yourself in the end, my reward is happiness not only with myself but happiness in my relationship with him. He's been going to the gym everyday too and he's already lost some weight.
I'm drinking a ton of water, cut out soda completely. I went shopping today for work food, got some grapes, carrots, yogurt, lean pockets, pickles, blue corn tortillas and salsa, popcorn, and applesauce. I can't wait to get back in the gym this afternoon. One thing I've started to do that I really want to keep working on is running. I'm starting slow and light but eventually I'd like to get to the point where I can run a couple miles a day and start doing that in addition to my workouts in the gym. I spent some time last night putting good work out songs on my MP3 player.
The only thing plaguing me really and truly is money...or lack there of. I reached a settlement with one card today because it was either that or my file got sent to a lawyer. The battery in my car is literally on it's last leg. I have to pay that speeding ticket. I figure if I can make at least, at the VERY least $300 per check I'll be alright but right now, I'm scared. I know next week's check will be decently sized so I'm hoping to put 1/2 of it into my account. I have to pay off a payday loan from Amscot only to turn around and get another one 24hours after when I can. It's just irritating. I wish I had never gotten myself into this mess. I just want to pay off my cards and be done with it. I'm going to knock out the two small ones and be done with them, then I have 3 big ones left. =/ The whole thing just sucks.
I went to the gym yesterday after work and put in two hours, woke up at an ungodly hour this morning and put in two hours and I'm going to go back to the gym after work for another couple hours. I'm addicted to working out for multiple reasons. 1) I felt like crap when I woke up this morning but as soon as I got in there and started working out, I felt great! 2) I want to slim down as much as possible in the next week or so because Meghan got VIP tickets to Shepherd's for Memorial Day Weekend 3) I want to get down to a healthy weight because I'll look and feel better and 4) M. has already told me how proud he is that I'm putting in so much time and effort and him and I have been getting along great lately and I just want us to be in a good place. He's kind of like my reward...you set goals and work hard to achieve them and reward yourself in the end, my reward is happiness not only with myself but happiness in my relationship with him. He's been going to the gym everyday too and he's already lost some weight.
I'm drinking a ton of water, cut out soda completely. I went shopping today for work food, got some grapes, carrots, yogurt, lean pockets, pickles, blue corn tortillas and salsa, popcorn, and applesauce. I can't wait to get back in the gym this afternoon. One thing I've started to do that I really want to keep working on is running. I'm starting slow and light but eventually I'd like to get to the point where I can run a couple miles a day and start doing that in addition to my workouts in the gym. I spent some time last night putting good work out songs on my MP3 player.
The only thing plaguing me really and truly is money...or lack there of. I reached a settlement with one card today because it was either that or my file got sent to a lawyer. The battery in my car is literally on it's last leg. I have to pay that speeding ticket. I figure if I can make at least, at the VERY least $300 per check I'll be alright but right now, I'm scared. I know next week's check will be decently sized so I'm hoping to put 1/2 of it into my account. I have to pay off a payday loan from Amscot only to turn around and get another one 24hours after when I can. It's just irritating. I wish I had never gotten myself into this mess. I just want to pay off my cards and be done with it. I'm going to knock out the two small ones and be done with them, then I have 3 big ones left. =/ The whole thing just sucks.
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