"If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you..."

God another weekend gone. This one slightly better than the rest...it was significantly better until about 4:30am but whatever.

Friday night I went to the Dubliner with Tonia, Johnny, Kerrie and Amy and then we all went back to Tonia's house to continue our drinking fun. I had a damn good night. I was a little upset though because I was texting Mike and his responses were very short and few and far between.

Saturday afternoon I went to Mike's after work and through very little prodding found out he was with Leeann the majority of the evening. I can't say it didn't hurt to hear that but I have no right to be upset because I fooled around with John. An eye for an eye, right? All they did, according to Mike, is kiss. And he wouldn't lie to me, he never has. It did sting though...with Heather, I've never met her so thinking about Mike kissing her is no big deal for me, but because I know Leeann and I was friends with her, thinking about the two of them together is painful, even if all they did was just kiss. Thinking about it makes me mildly nauseous.

Saturday night I went the Storm Game with Kristyn, Bryce, Amanda, Ben and Scott. I was supposed to sleep over Amanda's house and ended up going to Kristyn and Bryce's house. I don't know why, but I feel much more comfortable doing nothing with Kristyn and Bryce than I am with Amanda and Ben. I just honest to goodness can't stand Ben. He's a nice guy but he just irritates the hell out of me.

Sunday I went to the gym and went over to Mike's to help him with some paperwork and just hang out. Well we hadn't set a time limit on us hanging out and we were laying in bed just talking and his phone went off and I made a joke about "Oh, it's your blonde haired basketball stomached whore." and I legitimately was just joking, turns out it was Leeann. And I immediately tensed up because I have amazing foresight and I knew what was coming next. I asked him jokingly "Oh so I guess I have to go now." and he laughed until he got another text and I could see it in his face. I was so mad I was practically shaking and I went to storm out of the room. He grabbed my arm and goes "Sit down, what's wrong" and I told him "Nothing...sometimes I just forget where your loyalty lies." and he said "And where is that?" and I said "With anyone who's not me." and he just sat quiet for a minute and said "How so?" then I told him "Your a grown ass man, we're not together, do whatever you want. But I drove 30 minutes over here, not 5 minutes, so it's kind of shitty I have to leave so that you can go hang out and suck face with Leeann"

He didn't really say anything and just gave me a hug and thanked me and I left. Not five minutes after I left he called me and said "You're right. What I just did was wrong and I'm normally more noble than that." and I just said "It's okay." and he said "No, it's not. You and I had plans to hang out for awhile. We did accomplish what we set out do accomplish but I shouldn't pick one of you over the other or drop you for her or vice versa. I have a lot to think about and we can talk more about it tomorrow." and that was that. Then he called me as I'm walking in my front door about how he'd just heard a Garth Brooks song and he thought of me and have a good night and he'd call me later. Well imagine my surprise, or lack there of, when I went to sleep around 11pm and still hadn't heard from him.

I woke up this morning at 4am to go to the gym and I was still pissed because no call, no nothing. I got in the car and decided instead of going to the gym 5 minutes from my house, I'd go to the one in Largo, closer to work and coincidentally the one I have to drive right by Leeann's house to get to. Well I didn't even make it all the way over the bridge when I got a text from GUESS WHO? Mike. All it said was "Drunk and sad." and I called him and said "I'm on the bridge, you want me to come over?"  and he sounded excited and said "Hell yeah, come on."

So I walk in to "The Truth" by Jason Aldean and a slideshow of Madison and I knew instantly shit was bad. He had his sword and his bourbon and coke. He was a mess. Legitimately a mess. I tried once around 5:25 or so to get him into bed after he dozed off in the chair. He woke up when I was trying to get him up and pushed me off of him. He saw how pissed I was and leveled with me and told me to sit down and calm down, he was very calm with me and very quiet. He asked me what was wrong and I said "I'd rather just get you into bed before you drink yourself to death." I saw him pushing the sword into his leg to the point where it hurt so bad he was hissing and I couldn't take it anymore, I started to cry. And I kept crying. He pulled me to him and was trying to comfort me. When I wouldn't look at him and launched forward and kissed me and then kissed my cheeks and my head  and just tried to soothe me but it was in vain. We finally got into the bed about 6:30a. I dozed for a bit before I had to work, made sure he was still breathing and I left.

I'm going to call him at noon to make sure he's up for the gym with Nick and I'm spending the night there tonight after softball so that we can go and get his security stuff accomplished early tomorrow morning. I don't know what he's going to say or remember when I call him at noon, I don't care to know. I just know I hate seeing him like this and I told him that. I told him this morning he was weak because it wasn't him...it was Madison. I hate her for what she's done to him. She cheated on him, toyed with his emotions and when David tried to get the two of them back together she made it abundantly clear she wanted nothing to do with Mike. I hate to see him upset and I saw him in tears last night.

Before I got the chance to call him he called me, says he doesn't feel well and he's sick. I'm tempted to leave work but that's a bad idea. He said that I was awesome and thank you for last night and that he loves me. That's how I figure he hasn't slept it off quite enough yet.

"Get on the wagon and off of them damn cigarettes...but they ain't killed me yet..."

The sky is dark and foreboding...I hope it rains soon, the air is cool and the trees are stagnant. I just want the rain. I love the rain.

I went to the gym with Amanda K. last night, she signed up for a membership so now I have a replacement gym buddy since...well we know how things are with me and Leeann... It'll be fun. I don't think we can go together as much as she hopes we can, our schedules and responsibilities don't intersect that much, I normally stay pretty much in Pinellas and she's in Hillsborough.

I talked to Mike quite a few times yesterday, he was in a good mood, although not feeling well. He called me at one point yesterday afternoon and it was the best phone I've gotten from anyone, hands down. He said "Hey, I just wanted to let you know I appreciate you. I don't want you to think I don't appreciate you and I know a lot of the times my internal shit gets in the way of the stuff that we're doing together, but I do appreciate you. You're a sweet and interesting person and I enjoy spending time with you." That was just the sweetest thing, I've never had someone call me just to tell me they appreciated me.

I'm excited, I'm going to Dubliners tonight with Tonia, Johnny, Kerri and Amy and then a few more of their friends are meeting us there I think, but none-the-less, I'm excited. I haven't seen Tonia and Johnny in a good minute and I always love love love them. I'm going to the Storm game tomorrow night with Amanda and Ben. Joy. I love Ben as Amanda's fiance. He treats her really well and they love each other. As a person, I'm not Ben's biggest fan...I don't know...I think had he never started seeing Amanda, I would never speak to him. We just have limited things in common. And we talk and joke for the sake of Amanda but I have a sneaking suspicion he feels similarly about me.

I wanted to make time to go to the gym today and I was up at 4am this morning but I couldn't will myself to stay awake long enough to get my things together and get ready to go. I'm gonna watch myself tonight and make sure I don't drink too too much. I've been drunk way too much as of late and I'd like to curb that if I could. Drinking with Mike and John two nights ago, I only had one beer, which is a miracle considering who I was with. There is rarely a time I drink with either one of them that doesn't end in me on the floor and being retarded.

The clouds are inching their way towards the window and I can't wait for them to burst open...The radar doesn't make me too extraordinarily hopeful but the sky says otherwise. The trees are starting to sway a little bit....Please let it rain.

"All my friends say I started shooting doubles when you walked in..."

Last night was interesting, lol. It's funny how many of my entries begin that way. I went to hang out with John and Mike...together...all three of us. I thought it would be wicked awkward but I was the only one behaving as such.

As expected many jokes were cracked at both John's and my own expense and it was all in good fun. It's just hard because while I fooled around with John, everyone know's I really want Mike...even John knows I really want Mike. John and I were laying in the couch together and I kept looking over at Mike, catching his eyes and my heart started to jump like I was a dumb kid or something.

At one point, Mike sent John to go get cigarettes and when John was gone, he pulled me onto his lap and told me how happy he was that I came over and how excited he was to see me. My heart literally did somersaults in my chest. Then John came back and as much as I didn't want to, I resumed my position of cuddling with him.

The one thing that was weighing really heavy on my mind is who was I going to sleep with?? John kept grabbing on me and feeling me up and making blatant sexual passes like sticking his hand up my skirt for example and I just kind of nudged him off. At one point I was outside bitching to Amanda K. about how hard it was for me, how sad it made me...and John came outside and I hung up and he's like "What's wrong?" and I said "Nothing." and he just flat out asked "So...who ya sleeping with tonight?" and I just laughed out loud and said "Why do you think I've been so quiet??" and once inside, I pulled off some complete bull about why I should sleep with Mike. I told John "A. I know you don't really like to sleep with other people, B. I have to work in the morning and if I sleep with you than we won't be going to sleep. and C. Mike is used to me waking him up ass early so I can leave and I don't want to ruin your day off by waking you up early." and surprisingly, though it was all true, John didn't call bullshit.

We were all hanging out in the office and drinking, I only had one beer, but we were listening to music and right around 12AM John left the room for a minute and Mike grabs me and kisses me with more passion than I've seen from him in over two months. I was literally breathless and my heart was pounding. He kept that up, everytime John would sneak out for a beer or to go to the bathroom, Mike would just launch towards me and eventually they were slow, sweet, loving kisses...it was so...I don't know...breathtaking to feel his lips on mine again, as ridiculous as that sounds...Mike hasn't kissed me in so long that I almost forgot what it felt like.

At one point, I'd decided I was going to bed. I laid down in the room and left the light on because I knew Mike would stumble in and put it on anyway. I heard him come in about two minutes after I did and he just started kissing me and running his hands along my legs and he said "Come on, stay up with us for just 30 more minutes." and I was putty in his hands like I always am. So I stayed up and about 2:30AM we called it a night. Mike and I instantly went at it and it was probably the most amazing sex we've ever had. It lasted for an hour, which generally for us, is unheard of. Normally, sex with us is very cut and dry...not a lot of emotion or talking or anything and last night ALL of that was there. He said some of the sweetest things to me and it was just honest to God probably the best sex I've had in my life and definitely with Mike.

One of the biggest arguements Mike and I get into is the pregnancy arguement. For any two people engaging in sex it's a conversation that needs to be had and unfortunately for us, up until recently, we've had a huge difference in opinion. I've always wanted kids, always. And while I'm not ready to have them now, I don't think I could ever stomach getting an abortion. Mike is all for the abortion. It's one of the reasons, according to him, we stopped having sex and that's because I haven't been on birth control consistantly. Well he was upset this morning and made comments about how "If you get pregnant I'm just gonna shoot myself." and that kind of stuff pisses me off. So at one point I said "Have a good day" slammed the bedroom door and went to brush my teeth. He gave it a few minutes and once he realized I was still in the house, he came out and blocked me in the bathroom and said "It's not just your life you know." and I follwed him back into the bedroom and I told him "On the off chance I am pregnant, I'd consider abortion. CONSIDER. We're not a couple for multiple reasons and neither one of us is in the place to have a kid. I wouldn't do anything to compromise your hopes and dreams and aspirations and I know that having a child would forever effect BOTH of us." and Him hearing that made things a lot better. We joked around and he laid back down in bed and I kissed him goodbye and he said "I really wish you didn't have to go to work..." and I told him "I know, me too." and we were done with it. I text him today and let him know I made an appointment on Saturday and I'm going to go pick up my birth control.

The only real issue I have is John. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to fool around with John one day and have sex with Mike the next. I'm not like that. And I told Mike last night, my choice will always be you. John and I crossed a bridge that cannot be uncrossed but we play and joke around and it's done with. I'm not interested in John beyond friendship.

Mike and Heather called it "quits" as much as you can when you're not even officially dating someone. Apparently Heather doesn't like Mike's lack of family commitment. Well crazy bitch his family lives 8-10 hours away and he has a tight knit group of friends who are considered his family. And for that reason, he got a text last night that said "We can't date." and I just laughed. I hate that he's unhappy but deep down I know he's waiting for me.

"This ain't no place for the weary kind...pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try..."

I want one week, just one full week with no drama and no fights and no nothing. My bullshit tolerance is at an all time low and the next person to test it might not like the result.

Leeann and I went out yesterday, shopping and everything else. We had a good, day, did girly things, whatever whatever. The we made plans to go to the Watering Trough. So we go and it's $15 sink or swim, all the beer or wells you can drink. We did this last weekend and I got moderately drunk but last night I was drinking to forget everything that's happened this past week so moderate is a relative and unrelated term. I was smashed. I was crying most of the night, thinking a lot about Mike and how I feel like I screwed everything up between us...I hate that feeling and sober me has done a good job dealing with the whole, we're just going to be friends things but drunk me didn't like it.

So, smashed as all hell, not really paying attention to much, Leeann tells me "Okay, our ride is here." and while I was thoroughly confused, I was not in any place to argue with her. We walk outside, I went to my car to get my phone charger and clothes for bed and everything else. Then I lock my keys in my car while Leeann's keys were still in the car and we had no way to get into her house. Her friend Jake, our ride, called a locksmith and shelled out $100.00 cash to have my car broken into considering I spent every last dime I had.

So we go back to Leeann's house. Now Leeann is dating John but she had told him not to come home that night, that we were going to have a girl's night and he should stay in Tampa where he was. So the house was empty. Leeann set me up on the futon and I passed the hell out almost instantly. Keep in mind, I had no idea anything that was going on, I was dead to the world. I came too fairly groggy to the sounds of "AGAIN, AGAIN? STUPID WHORE? AGAIN?" And I recognize the voice instantly as John's. My adrenaline started to surge and I saw John storm in the kitchen, grab the flower vase and I hear it smash against the wall. He storms out of the bedroom again and I called out to him three or four times before he turned. I said "John, what's going on?" he says "What the fuck do you think is going on?" and I said "I don't know, I'm dead asleep, what the fuck?" He said "I'll give you three guesses." and before I could even get off the futon he goes "I caught them fucking, red handed." My heart sank. John stormed outside, I quickly checked on Leeann and ran outside after John. He threw Leeann's key at me and said "The bitch will want these." and sped off in Jake's car with Jake.

I picked up the key, ran into Leeann's room. I saw broken glass, a dent in the wall and the bathroom door torn to shreds from where he'd punched a hole through it. I didn't hear him do that but I did see the damage that was done. Leeann was hyperventilating and freaking out. I did the first thing I could think of. I grabbed Leeann's phone, told her to stay put and I called Mike. I said "Hey, have you talked to John?" "No, why?" and apparently Mike couldn't understand a word I said because he hung up after I proceeded to explain what happened and he called John. I went back in the room to Leeann and got it out of her that John would've gone to his grandmother's house. So I sat with Leeann, told her I was gonna go talk to John and that everything would be okay, I'd do what I could. So I walked the mile and a half to John's grandmother's.

I got there as he was on the phone with Leeann who had called him to tell me to come back home. I got inside, he got off the phone. I told him "Come on, let me clean up your arm." His knuckles were all completely busted and he had scratches from where he punched through the door. John and I have a small bit of unresolved sexual tension between us that I doubt will ever be resolved. Leeann's first words after I told her I was going to go to talk to John is "He's gonna wanna fuck you."

I sat with John and we talked and he asked me "I'm giving you one chance to tell me what happened." and I told him what I rememered which equated to "I got drunk I went back to your place I passed out and woke up to you finding them. Then I waked here." We talked for a little bit more and I made a comment about the whole him wanting to have sex with me thing and he comes up to me and hugs me from behind and starts biting my ear and kissing my neck. I was like "John...John..." and he's like "I didn't say I wanted to fuck you. I was just thinking about fooling around and maybe sleeping naked with you." and I told him "I appreciate the offer but unfortunately for both of us I'm crazy in love with your best friend." and he said "I know, and we need to have a long talk about that." Which, I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but whatever.

I saw a car pull up in the driveway, it wasn't Mike's, it was Leeann's and she came and was begging me to come back to her house with her. I told her "Honey, go home. I'm waiting on Mike, he'll take me back over there to you, just go home. Go home." and she argued for a minute and then walked back to the car. I came inside and John was ready for it, he thought I was Leeann and he started to mouth off and realized it was me. Leeann sat in the car for a minute then I heard her get out of it again. I met her at the door and she tried to get in, I told her "Leeann, not a good idea. Leeann go home." and she pushed past me and opened the door. She got in John's face and said "I just want to say one thing. We both know it's over. Tell Amanda that so I can take her home." and John, who was on the phone with Mike at the time said "She's waiting for Mike. He'll take her home. Bye." and I let Leeann out, told her I'd be there soon.

Mike stopped at Leeann's and talked to her, and then came over to John's. I sat outside and let them catch up. Dumbasses stood in the living room though and had the window open so I caught bits and pieces of what they were saying and nothing of it was anything I didn't know. Mike asked what my involvement was and John said that I was an unwilling bystander/observer. I essentially did not know anything except for what happened before and what happened after. They talked for about ten minutes then Mike came outside, sat with me for a minute before John joined us. We all kind of sat there and chilled, comments were made, jokes were cracked but it was relatively peaceful considering. John laid his head down on my leg and I was running my hands through his hair and then we cuddled on the couch. We came inside and we were all in the bedroom and I laid on the bed and cuddled with John while Mike sat in the chair. My intentions were not malicious, I was still mildly drunk and lonely and John was drunk, depressed and lonely.

Apparently, I seem too nuetral though because I was told that my trust is no longer. These words coming from Mike. I did talk to John about it and while he explained to me Mike's position, since Mike and I are incapable of having such a conversation it would seem and I explained to John mine. John and I have an understanding.

So then, John starts texting me almost immediately about hooking up. And I was hesitant. He invited me over Monday night but I told him I was busy, which I was, and then I said that I would come over Tuesday night (last night.) So we text all night Monday and all day Tuesday and it's mildly sexual, nothing too explicit or OH MY GOD. but just flirting. Then I get there yesterday after work and he pulls me into the shower with him. We kissed and felt around and all the other typical things and then got out of the shower and started unpacking his things. He then gets a text from Leeann "Hey, I'm coming by to drop off more of your stuff." and he responds "Okay, Amanda's here helping me unpack." and Leeann calls him FUMING. The first words out of her mouth were "Did you fuck her?!" and John said "No. She's helping me unpack. And even if I was or even if I did, why is it your business??" And so John and I scramble to put on our work clothes to make it look like I had just gotten there and was legitimately helping him unpack shit. I ran out to the back patio, lit a cigarette and waited for the inevitable. Leeann storms out of the house and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING AT MY MAN'S HOUSE?" And John heard her and came outside and said "Excuse me?!" And Leeann just kept glaring at me repeating herself. "What are you doing here Amanda, what are you doing here?" and I tried to explain to her "Leeann, I am just John's friend, same as I am yours. I came to help him unpack. I've been sorting bottle caps for the past hour, you can go look if you want. The Budweiser and Bud Lights have their own seperate bags." And Leeann had her fist clenched and ready to hit me and John stepped in and said "If you don't put that fist down your gonna have a bad fucking day. Leave." and so John got her to leave and I was shaking when he came back outside because my adreneline was pumping so hard.

So John and I are sitting outside just kind of in awe that the whole thing happened and I looked at him. I said "You know what she's doing right now right?" and he goes "Yup. She's calling Mike." and not even three seconds later John's phone goes off and it's Mike. I about died laughing. Mike said Leeann called him fuming and hysterical. It was great, Mike told John that he wishes Leeann would have hit me so I could've stomped her ass. I kinda wish so too, but it's probably better that didn't happen. While Mike and John are on the phone, I got a text from Leeann that said "You're dead to me. Delete my fucking number." and I didn't even respond. I just let it be. Then Leeann sent John a text saying "I had no right. I'm sorry." because Leeann flipped the hell out.

So the night went on and John and I ended up fooling around two more times, again no actual sex, but just a lot of touching and kissing. I did enjoy myself, I will say that, but at the same time I felt pangs of guilt because I still love Mike. I'm not gonna get over Mike for awhile yet here I am naked on a bed with his best friend. See Mike is pushing John and I together because it takes the pressure off of him. My whole moral dilema with fooling around with John stemmed from two things. Number one, my friendship with Leeann would be over if she ever found out we fooled around (little did I know our friendship would be over if I even hung out with John.) and Number two, It'd make for a small dilema should Mike and I ever work out.

Mike had a date last night with Heather, the girl he dated before I came into the picture. And I knew about the date beforehand. Well Mike called John a couple times throughout the night and at one point mentioned stopping by. I was really excited because I haven't seen Mike since Sunday which for us is a record, especially considering I've seen him every day essentially for the last four months. Then I could hear him ask "Is Amanda still there?" and John said "Yeah we're unpacking stuff." and I couldn't hear the next bit but Mike didn't come over. Come to find out Heather spent the night because she had a job interview in St. Pete today...she slept in my spot next to him in bed, they probably had sex. Not that it's my business but even still. She slept in my spot...she got to feel him, hold him, kiss him, be his...I hate that. I hate that so much. It doesn't make a difference to me that I was with John all night, it still hurts like a bitch! I hate it. I cried all the way home and I've been a literal walking zombie this morning.

He just called me though and he goes "You know what my issue is?" and I said "Pray tell" and he goes "You're awesome. There's no disputing that, I love being around you." and I said "Okay" and he goes "Heather...not so awesome. Cute...but borderline whiney and no fun to talk to, no fun to hang out with and I did the same thing I do to you. Wait til she fell asleep and went into a different bed." Him and I just sat on the phone laughing our asses off for three minutes straight. I told him that's what he gets when he treats awesome like shit and goes for not so awesome, he gets screwed. And I made a comment about how he should feel bad and he said "Hell no I don't feel bad...well I did feel bad until you started getting mouthy." and he said that Heather is like 1/4 of what he's looking for and I have the other 3/4 and if there was some way to mesh the two he would. He's such a dork, I was seriously laughing so hard I was crying. And he said "Call me after work and see where I am, maybe we can hang out for a little bit."

Now I'm smiling.The zombie has gone away. It's amazing how much control you let a person have on your moods and your emotions. I give him way too much control and it sucks.