"If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you..."

God another weekend gone. This one slightly better than the rest...it was significantly better until about 4:30am but whatever.

Friday night I went to the Dubliner with Tonia, Johnny, Kerrie and Amy and then we all went back to Tonia's house to continue our drinking fun. I had a damn good night. I was a little upset though because I was texting Mike and his responses were very short and few and far between.

Saturday afternoon I went to Mike's after work and through very little prodding found out he was with Leeann the majority of the evening. I can't say it didn't hurt to hear that but I have no right to be upset because I fooled around with John. An eye for an eye, right? All they did, according to Mike, is kiss. And he wouldn't lie to me, he never has. It did sting though...with Heather, I've never met her so thinking about Mike kissing her is no big deal for me, but because I know Leeann and I was friends with her, thinking about the two of them together is painful, even if all they did was just kiss. Thinking about it makes me mildly nauseous.

Saturday night I went the Storm Game with Kristyn, Bryce, Amanda, Ben and Scott. I was supposed to sleep over Amanda's house and ended up going to Kristyn and Bryce's house. I don't know why, but I feel much more comfortable doing nothing with Kristyn and Bryce than I am with Amanda and Ben. I just honest to goodness can't stand Ben. He's a nice guy but he just irritates the hell out of me.

Sunday I went to the gym and went over to Mike's to help him with some paperwork and just hang out. Well we hadn't set a time limit on us hanging out and we were laying in bed just talking and his phone went off and I made a joke about "Oh, it's your blonde haired basketball stomached whore." and I legitimately was just joking, turns out it was Leeann. And I immediately tensed up because I have amazing foresight and I knew what was coming next. I asked him jokingly "Oh so I guess I have to go now." and he laughed until he got another text and I could see it in his face. I was so mad I was practically shaking and I went to storm out of the room. He grabbed my arm and goes "Sit down, what's wrong" and I told him "Nothing...sometimes I just forget where your loyalty lies." and he said "And where is that?" and I said "With anyone who's not me." and he just sat quiet for a minute and said "How so?" then I told him "Your a grown ass man, we're not together, do whatever you want. But I drove 30 minutes over here, not 5 minutes, so it's kind of shitty I have to leave so that you can go hang out and suck face with Leeann"

He didn't really say anything and just gave me a hug and thanked me and I left. Not five minutes after I left he called me and said "You're right. What I just did was wrong and I'm normally more noble than that." and I just said "It's okay." and he said "No, it's not. You and I had plans to hang out for awhile. We did accomplish what we set out do accomplish but I shouldn't pick one of you over the other or drop you for her or vice versa. I have a lot to think about and we can talk more about it tomorrow." and that was that. Then he called me as I'm walking in my front door about how he'd just heard a Garth Brooks song and he thought of me and have a good night and he'd call me later. Well imagine my surprise, or lack there of, when I went to sleep around 11pm and still hadn't heard from him.

I woke up this morning at 4am to go to the gym and I was still pissed because no call, no nothing. I got in the car and decided instead of going to the gym 5 minutes from my house, I'd go to the one in Largo, closer to work and coincidentally the one I have to drive right by Leeann's house to get to. Well I didn't even make it all the way over the bridge when I got a text from GUESS WHO? Mike. All it said was "Drunk and sad." and I called him and said "I'm on the bridge, you want me to come over?"  and he sounded excited and said "Hell yeah, come on."

So I walk in to "The Truth" by Jason Aldean and a slideshow of Madison and I knew instantly shit was bad. He had his sword and his bourbon and coke. He was a mess. Legitimately a mess. I tried once around 5:25 or so to get him into bed after he dozed off in the chair. He woke up when I was trying to get him up and pushed me off of him. He saw how pissed I was and leveled with me and told me to sit down and calm down, he was very calm with me and very quiet. He asked me what was wrong and I said "I'd rather just get you into bed before you drink yourself to death." I saw him pushing the sword into his leg to the point where it hurt so bad he was hissing and I couldn't take it anymore, I started to cry. And I kept crying. He pulled me to him and was trying to comfort me. When I wouldn't look at him and launched forward and kissed me and then kissed my cheeks and my head  and just tried to soothe me but it was in vain. We finally got into the bed about 6:30a. I dozed for a bit before I had to work, made sure he was still breathing and I left.

I'm going to call him at noon to make sure he's up for the gym with Nick and I'm spending the night there tonight after softball so that we can go and get his security stuff accomplished early tomorrow morning. I don't know what he's going to say or remember when I call him at noon, I don't care to know. I just know I hate seeing him like this and I told him that. I told him this morning he was weak because it wasn't him...it was Madison. I hate her for what she's done to him. She cheated on him, toyed with his emotions and when David tried to get the two of them back together she made it abundantly clear she wanted nothing to do with Mike. I hate to see him upset and I saw him in tears last night.

Before I got the chance to call him he called me, says he doesn't feel well and he's sick. I'm tempted to leave work but that's a bad idea. He said that I was awesome and thank you for last night and that he loves me. That's how I figure he hasn't slept it off quite enough yet.

"Get on the wagon and off of them damn cigarettes...but they ain't killed me yet..."

The sky is dark and foreboding...I hope it rains soon, the air is cool and the trees are stagnant. I just want the rain. I love the rain.

I went to the gym with Amanda K. last night, she signed up for a membership so now I have a replacement gym buddy since...well we know how things are with me and Leeann... It'll be fun. I don't think we can go together as much as she hopes we can, our schedules and responsibilities don't intersect that much, I normally stay pretty much in Pinellas and she's in Hillsborough.

I talked to Mike quite a few times yesterday, he was in a good mood, although not feeling well. He called me at one point yesterday afternoon and it was the best phone I've gotten from anyone, hands down. He said "Hey, I just wanted to let you know I appreciate you. I don't want you to think I don't appreciate you and I know a lot of the times my internal shit gets in the way of the stuff that we're doing together, but I do appreciate you. You're a sweet and interesting person and I enjoy spending time with you." That was just the sweetest thing, I've never had someone call me just to tell me they appreciated me.

I'm excited, I'm going to Dubliners tonight with Tonia, Johnny, Kerri and Amy and then a few more of their friends are meeting us there I think, but none-the-less, I'm excited. I haven't seen Tonia and Johnny in a good minute and I always love love love them. I'm going to the Storm game tomorrow night with Amanda and Ben. Joy. I love Ben as Amanda's fiance. He treats her really well and they love each other. As a person, I'm not Ben's biggest fan...I don't know...I think had he never started seeing Amanda, I would never speak to him. We just have limited things in common. And we talk and joke for the sake of Amanda but I have a sneaking suspicion he feels similarly about me.

I wanted to make time to go to the gym today and I was up at 4am this morning but I couldn't will myself to stay awake long enough to get my things together and get ready to go. I'm gonna watch myself tonight and make sure I don't drink too too much. I've been drunk way too much as of late and I'd like to curb that if I could. Drinking with Mike and John two nights ago, I only had one beer, which is a miracle considering who I was with. There is rarely a time I drink with either one of them that doesn't end in me on the floor and being retarded.

The clouds are inching their way towards the window and I can't wait for them to burst open...The radar doesn't make me too extraordinarily hopeful but the sky says otherwise. The trees are starting to sway a little bit....Please let it rain.

"All my friends say I started shooting doubles when you walked in..."

Last night was interesting, lol. It's funny how many of my entries begin that way. I went to hang out with John and Mike...together...all three of us. I thought it would be wicked awkward but I was the only one behaving as such.

As expected many jokes were cracked at both John's and my own expense and it was all in good fun. It's just hard because while I fooled around with John, everyone know's I really want Mike...even John knows I really want Mike. John and I were laying in the couch together and I kept looking over at Mike, catching his eyes and my heart started to jump like I was a dumb kid or something.

At one point, Mike sent John to go get cigarettes and when John was gone, he pulled me onto his lap and told me how happy he was that I came over and how excited he was to see me. My heart literally did somersaults in my chest. Then John came back and as much as I didn't want to, I resumed my position of cuddling with him.

The one thing that was weighing really heavy on my mind is who was I going to sleep with?? John kept grabbing on me and feeling me up and making blatant sexual passes like sticking his hand up my skirt for example and I just kind of nudged him off. At one point I was outside bitching to Amanda K. about how hard it was for me, how sad it made me...and John came outside and I hung up and he's like "What's wrong?" and I said "Nothing." and he just flat out asked "So...who ya sleeping with tonight?" and I just laughed out loud and said "Why do you think I've been so quiet??" and once inside, I pulled off some complete bull about why I should sleep with Mike. I told John "A. I know you don't really like to sleep with other people, B. I have to work in the morning and if I sleep with you than we won't be going to sleep. and C. Mike is used to me waking him up ass early so I can leave and I don't want to ruin your day off by waking you up early." and surprisingly, though it was all true, John didn't call bullshit.

We were all hanging out in the office and drinking, I only had one beer, but we were listening to music and right around 12AM John left the room for a minute and Mike grabs me and kisses me with more passion than I've seen from him in over two months. I was literally breathless and my heart was pounding. He kept that up, everytime John would sneak out for a beer or to go to the bathroom, Mike would just launch towards me and eventually they were slow, sweet, loving kisses...it was so...I don't know...breathtaking to feel his lips on mine again, as ridiculous as that sounds...Mike hasn't kissed me in so long that I almost forgot what it felt like.

At one point, I'd decided I was going to bed. I laid down in the room and left the light on because I knew Mike would stumble in and put it on anyway. I heard him come in about two minutes after I did and he just started kissing me and running his hands along my legs and he said "Come on, stay up with us for just 30 more minutes." and I was putty in his hands like I always am. So I stayed up and about 2:30AM we called it a night. Mike and I instantly went at it and it was probably the most amazing sex we've ever had. It lasted for an hour, which generally for us, is unheard of. Normally, sex with us is very cut and dry...not a lot of emotion or talking or anything and last night ALL of that was there. He said some of the sweetest things to me and it was just honest to God probably the best sex I've had in my life and definitely with Mike.

One of the biggest arguements Mike and I get into is the pregnancy arguement. For any two people engaging in sex it's a conversation that needs to be had and unfortunately for us, up until recently, we've had a huge difference in opinion. I've always wanted kids, always. And while I'm not ready to have them now, I don't think I could ever stomach getting an abortion. Mike is all for the abortion. It's one of the reasons, according to him, we stopped having sex and that's because I haven't been on birth control consistantly. Well he was upset this morning and made comments about how "If you get pregnant I'm just gonna shoot myself." and that kind of stuff pisses me off. So at one point I said "Have a good day" slammed the bedroom door and went to brush my teeth. He gave it a few minutes and once he realized I was still in the house, he came out and blocked me in the bathroom and said "It's not just your life you know." and I follwed him back into the bedroom and I told him "On the off chance I am pregnant, I'd consider abortion. CONSIDER. We're not a couple for multiple reasons and neither one of us is in the place to have a kid. I wouldn't do anything to compromise your hopes and dreams and aspirations and I know that having a child would forever effect BOTH of us." and Him hearing that made things a lot better. We joked around and he laid back down in bed and I kissed him goodbye and he said "I really wish you didn't have to go to work..." and I told him "I know, me too." and we were done with it. I text him today and let him know I made an appointment on Saturday and I'm going to go pick up my birth control.

The only real issue I have is John. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to fool around with John one day and have sex with Mike the next. I'm not like that. And I told Mike last night, my choice will always be you. John and I crossed a bridge that cannot be uncrossed but we play and joke around and it's done with. I'm not interested in John beyond friendship.

Mike and Heather called it "quits" as much as you can when you're not even officially dating someone. Apparently Heather doesn't like Mike's lack of family commitment. Well crazy bitch his family lives 8-10 hours away and he has a tight knit group of friends who are considered his family. And for that reason, he got a text last night that said "We can't date." and I just laughed. I hate that he's unhappy but deep down I know he's waiting for me.

"This ain't no place for the weary kind...pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try..."

I want one week, just one full week with no drama and no fights and no nothing. My bullshit tolerance is at an all time low and the next person to test it might not like the result.

Leeann and I went out yesterday, shopping and everything else. We had a good, day, did girly things, whatever whatever. The we made plans to go to the Watering Trough. So we go and it's $15 sink or swim, all the beer or wells you can drink. We did this last weekend and I got moderately drunk but last night I was drinking to forget everything that's happened this past week so moderate is a relative and unrelated term. I was smashed. I was crying most of the night, thinking a lot about Mike and how I feel like I screwed everything up between us...I hate that feeling and sober me has done a good job dealing with the whole, we're just going to be friends things but drunk me didn't like it.

So, smashed as all hell, not really paying attention to much, Leeann tells me "Okay, our ride is here." and while I was thoroughly confused, I was not in any place to argue with her. We walk outside, I went to my car to get my phone charger and clothes for bed and everything else. Then I lock my keys in my car while Leeann's keys were still in the car and we had no way to get into her house. Her friend Jake, our ride, called a locksmith and shelled out $100.00 cash to have my car broken into considering I spent every last dime I had.

So we go back to Leeann's house. Now Leeann is dating John but she had told him not to come home that night, that we were going to have a girl's night and he should stay in Tampa where he was. So the house was empty. Leeann set me up on the futon and I passed the hell out almost instantly. Keep in mind, I had no idea anything that was going on, I was dead to the world. I came too fairly groggy to the sounds of "AGAIN, AGAIN? STUPID WHORE? AGAIN?" And I recognize the voice instantly as John's. My adrenaline started to surge and I saw John storm in the kitchen, grab the flower vase and I hear it smash against the wall. He storms out of the bedroom again and I called out to him three or four times before he turned. I said "John, what's going on?" he says "What the fuck do you think is going on?" and I said "I don't know, I'm dead asleep, what the fuck?" He said "I'll give you three guesses." and before I could even get off the futon he goes "I caught them fucking, red handed." My heart sank. John stormed outside, I quickly checked on Leeann and ran outside after John. He threw Leeann's key at me and said "The bitch will want these." and sped off in Jake's car with Jake.

I picked up the key, ran into Leeann's room. I saw broken glass, a dent in the wall and the bathroom door torn to shreds from where he'd punched a hole through it. I didn't hear him do that but I did see the damage that was done. Leeann was hyperventilating and freaking out. I did the first thing I could think of. I grabbed Leeann's phone, told her to stay put and I called Mike. I said "Hey, have you talked to John?" "No, why?" and apparently Mike couldn't understand a word I said because he hung up after I proceeded to explain what happened and he called John. I went back in the room to Leeann and got it out of her that John would've gone to his grandmother's house. So I sat with Leeann, told her I was gonna go talk to John and that everything would be okay, I'd do what I could. So I walked the mile and a half to John's grandmother's.

I got there as he was on the phone with Leeann who had called him to tell me to come back home. I got inside, he got off the phone. I told him "Come on, let me clean up your arm." His knuckles were all completely busted and he had scratches from where he punched through the door. John and I have a small bit of unresolved sexual tension between us that I doubt will ever be resolved. Leeann's first words after I told her I was going to go to talk to John is "He's gonna wanna fuck you."

I sat with John and we talked and he asked me "I'm giving you one chance to tell me what happened." and I told him what I rememered which equated to "I got drunk I went back to your place I passed out and woke up to you finding them. Then I waked here." We talked for a little bit more and I made a comment about the whole him wanting to have sex with me thing and he comes up to me and hugs me from behind and starts biting my ear and kissing my neck. I was like "John...John..." and he's like "I didn't say I wanted to fuck you. I was just thinking about fooling around and maybe sleeping naked with you." and I told him "I appreciate the offer but unfortunately for both of us I'm crazy in love with your best friend." and he said "I know, and we need to have a long talk about that." Which, I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but whatever.

I saw a car pull up in the driveway, it wasn't Mike's, it was Leeann's and she came and was begging me to come back to her house with her. I told her "Honey, go home. I'm waiting on Mike, he'll take me back over there to you, just go home. Go home." and she argued for a minute and then walked back to the car. I came inside and John was ready for it, he thought I was Leeann and he started to mouth off and realized it was me. Leeann sat in the car for a minute then I heard her get out of it again. I met her at the door and she tried to get in, I told her "Leeann, not a good idea. Leeann go home." and she pushed past me and opened the door. She got in John's face and said "I just want to say one thing. We both know it's over. Tell Amanda that so I can take her home." and John, who was on the phone with Mike at the time said "She's waiting for Mike. He'll take her home. Bye." and I let Leeann out, told her I'd be there soon.

Mike stopped at Leeann's and talked to her, and then came over to John's. I sat outside and let them catch up. Dumbasses stood in the living room though and had the window open so I caught bits and pieces of what they were saying and nothing of it was anything I didn't know. Mike asked what my involvement was and John said that I was an unwilling bystander/observer. I essentially did not know anything except for what happened before and what happened after. They talked for about ten minutes then Mike came outside, sat with me for a minute before John joined us. We all kind of sat there and chilled, comments were made, jokes were cracked but it was relatively peaceful considering. John laid his head down on my leg and I was running my hands through his hair and then we cuddled on the couch. We came inside and we were all in the bedroom and I laid on the bed and cuddled with John while Mike sat in the chair. My intentions were not malicious, I was still mildly drunk and lonely and John was drunk, depressed and lonely.

Apparently, I seem too nuetral though because I was told that my trust is no longer. These words coming from Mike. I did talk to John about it and while he explained to me Mike's position, since Mike and I are incapable of having such a conversation it would seem and I explained to John mine. John and I have an understanding.

So then, John starts texting me almost immediately about hooking up. And I was hesitant. He invited me over Monday night but I told him I was busy, which I was, and then I said that I would come over Tuesday night (last night.) So we text all night Monday and all day Tuesday and it's mildly sexual, nothing too explicit or OH MY GOD. but just flirting. Then I get there yesterday after work and he pulls me into the shower with him. We kissed and felt around and all the other typical things and then got out of the shower and started unpacking his things. He then gets a text from Leeann "Hey, I'm coming by to drop off more of your stuff." and he responds "Okay, Amanda's here helping me unpack." and Leeann calls him FUMING. The first words out of her mouth were "Did you fuck her?!" and John said "No. She's helping me unpack. And even if I was or even if I did, why is it your business??" And so John and I scramble to put on our work clothes to make it look like I had just gotten there and was legitimately helping him unpack shit. I ran out to the back patio, lit a cigarette and waited for the inevitable. Leeann storms out of the house and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING AT MY MAN'S HOUSE?" And John heard her and came outside and said "Excuse me?!" And Leeann just kept glaring at me repeating herself. "What are you doing here Amanda, what are you doing here?" and I tried to explain to her "Leeann, I am just John's friend, same as I am yours. I came to help him unpack. I've been sorting bottle caps for the past hour, you can go look if you want. The Budweiser and Bud Lights have their own seperate bags." And Leeann had her fist clenched and ready to hit me and John stepped in and said "If you don't put that fist down your gonna have a bad fucking day. Leave." and so John got her to leave and I was shaking when he came back outside because my adreneline was pumping so hard.

So John and I are sitting outside just kind of in awe that the whole thing happened and I looked at him. I said "You know what she's doing right now right?" and he goes "Yup. She's calling Mike." and not even three seconds later John's phone goes off and it's Mike. I about died laughing. Mike said Leeann called him fuming and hysterical. It was great, Mike told John that he wishes Leeann would have hit me so I could've stomped her ass. I kinda wish so too, but it's probably better that didn't happen. While Mike and John are on the phone, I got a text from Leeann that said "You're dead to me. Delete my fucking number." and I didn't even respond. I just let it be. Then Leeann sent John a text saying "I had no right. I'm sorry." because Leeann flipped the hell out.

So the night went on and John and I ended up fooling around two more times, again no actual sex, but just a lot of touching and kissing. I did enjoy myself, I will say that, but at the same time I felt pangs of guilt because I still love Mike. I'm not gonna get over Mike for awhile yet here I am naked on a bed with his best friend. See Mike is pushing John and I together because it takes the pressure off of him. My whole moral dilema with fooling around with John stemmed from two things. Number one, my friendship with Leeann would be over if she ever found out we fooled around (little did I know our friendship would be over if I even hung out with John.) and Number two, It'd make for a small dilema should Mike and I ever work out.

Mike had a date last night with Heather, the girl he dated before I came into the picture. And I knew about the date beforehand. Well Mike called John a couple times throughout the night and at one point mentioned stopping by. I was really excited because I haven't seen Mike since Sunday which for us is a record, especially considering I've seen him every day essentially for the last four months. Then I could hear him ask "Is Amanda still there?" and John said "Yeah we're unpacking stuff." and I couldn't hear the next bit but Mike didn't come over. Come to find out Heather spent the night because she had a job interview in St. Pete today...she slept in my spot next to him in bed, they probably had sex. Not that it's my business but even still. She slept in my spot...she got to feel him, hold him, kiss him, be his...I hate that. I hate that so much. It doesn't make a difference to me that I was with John all night, it still hurts like a bitch! I hate it. I cried all the way home and I've been a literal walking zombie this morning.

He just called me though and he goes "You know what my issue is?" and I said "Pray tell" and he goes "You're awesome. There's no disputing that, I love being around you." and I said "Okay" and he goes "Heather...not so awesome. Cute...but borderline whiney and no fun to talk to, no fun to hang out with and I did the same thing I do to you. Wait til she fell asleep and went into a different bed." Him and I just sat on the phone laughing our asses off for three minutes straight. I told him that's what he gets when he treats awesome like shit and goes for not so awesome, he gets screwed. And I made a comment about how he should feel bad and he said "Hell no I don't feel bad...well I did feel bad until you started getting mouthy." and he said that Heather is like 1/4 of what he's looking for and I have the other 3/4 and if there was some way to mesh the two he would. He's such a dork, I was seriously laughing so hard I was crying. And he said "Call me after work and see where I am, maybe we can hang out for a little bit."

Now I'm smiling.The zombie has gone away. It's amazing how much control you let a person have on your moods and your emotions. I give him way too much control and it sucks.

"Some beach...somewhere..."

Went out to Gunslingers with Meghan last night, that was an adventure. Not really. We were hanging out, drinking dancing. Made friends with these tattooed crazy guys named Kevin and Bean (Bean knows Dustin, the guy who did my tattoo. Small world.) and we were all just chilling, dancing, having a good time. Then Meghan's booze catches up with her and she gets sick and she's drunk off her ass and I have to take her home...at 11:30p...2 hours after we got there. I was irritated as all hell...this really cool band was playing and the DJ said they sing a cover of one of my favorite fucking songs but we had to leave at like 11:30p. Then Meghan insisted on driving home, smashed. I told her I'd call the cops but I didn't. She seemed okay when she left but I'm gonna take some time off from her I think...she just got on my last fucking nerve last night.

Last night was also miserable because I opened up to Leeann via text message about the whole Mike thing...she doesn't remember much but I had text her and told her to come out with us and bring the guys and all but Idk.

Me: "There's a really cool band playing you guys should all come down when your done"

Leann: "Not a good idea"

Me: "Why, how drunk is he?"

Leann: "Please tell me you are done trying for Mike."

Leann: "Has nothing to do with that."

Me: "After the other night completely. He's nothing more to me than a friend. That's it. I'm done. He
made himself very clear."

Leann: "I'm glad you came to that decision. Don't worry, there is someone out there for you."

Me: "Well I'm trying to be polite and invite. Ya'll invited me out the other night and you can only play so much d&d I don't give two shits about Mike beyond his safety and his happiness. He could go date Heather or whatever her name is for all I care. Hell, bring her here. I'd love to meet her. I'd buy her a drink."

Me: "Yeah and as bad as I wanted to be with Mike I don't care anymore. I'm me and I'm happy. He could make out with you and I'd buy you a drink"

Leann: "W o h calm down chicka."

Leann: "I'm sorry it happened that way. I tried a big flashing neon warning sign."

Me: "I know. I'm dumb and I didn't listen."

Leann: "I'm sorry."

Me: "It makes me sad because I don't want to give up hope. I genuinely love and care for him, but he
needs someone gorgeous inside and out and I'm not that girl no matter how bad I wanna be."

Leann: "Dear...when you find the right one, it won't matter what your like on the outside."

Me: "I wanted to be his everything though, you know? I fell for him way too quick and I fell hard."

Leann: "If I smack you over the head with a frying pan, will you get it then?"

Me: "I get it. He practically smacked me over the head with a frying pan that night. I get it. I cried myself
to sleep next to him sleeping like a baby. I get it."

Leann: "I wish I had been a little more sober. I remember bits and pieces."

Me: "He took my heart, threw it against a wall, spit on it and set it on fire. You don't want to remember.
Trust me."

Leann: "I remember lying on the floor talking to the cat."

Me: "Yeah be lucky."

I don't know who I'm trying to convince more...her or myself...

"Baby I'll be your soldier, gladly I'll do your bidding..."

There is no way to explain the way I feel this morning. I am completely and utterly numb inside and running off of less than an hour of sleep. Last night was the definition of a disaster in every way shape and form and of course, I bet money, M. won't remember 90% of it...and if he does, I might just lose my shit.

M. called me about 8pm asking me to meet him, his best friend, John, and his best friend's girlfriend, Leeann, at this bar, the Tilted Kilt. I was busy and had committed to picking up my aunt from work at 10pm so it wasn't an option. I got a call about 9:30pm asking "Are you sure you can't come??" and I relented and said "Okay, I can be there by 11:00pm or 11:30pm." I rushed home, got dressed, and got a message that they were at this bar called Fuzzie's. Drove out there and first thing I see when I walk in is M. all over Leeann. They have a very special bond because of some shit the three of them went through a few years back and I respect that and I recognize that there is no threat there, but it's still kind of bums me out to see it. I was fairly quiet, not too quiet at least not in my opinion.

Anyway, we hung at the bar for about thirty minutes and decided to move over to Leeann and John's house. While waiting for John to pay the tab, M. asked me what was wrong and I told him it was nothing worth talking about and it really wasn't but in true M. fashion he kept pushing me and pushing me so I brought it up. This turned into me and M. getting into a screaming match in the car on the way to his friend's house and things were said that I hope to God for his sake that he didn't mean. Cliff's notes of it: "You are a FRIEND. FRIEND. I have no romantic interest in you until you lose 60lbs" and "If that upsets you, cowboy up and fucking lose some weight." So when I got to John and Leeann's house I was obviously livid, I vented to Leeann for about five seconds and dropped it.

They were waiting on another friend Nick to get there and when Nick got there things got worse, not because of Nick's sheer presence but it just so happened the downturn coincided with his arrival. Him and M. were catching up and Nick asked about his ex-girlfriend. So M. whips out his phone and pulls up a picture of his ex kissing him on the cheek and I saw it. I didn't say anything, I grabbed my cigarettes and walked outside. Apparently M., John and Leeann played rock paper scissors to see who would come out to talk to me and unfortunately for M. he was shouldered with the burden. He comes outside and starts yelling at me, calls me a child and a spoiled brat, a fat bitch, tells me to go to hell and die, tells me fuck you fuck you fuck you I hope you die, all kinds of shit. And so I went inside to ask Nick to move his car. Leeann caught me before I got there and convinced me to stay for her, not for M. and so I agreed. M. and I did not talk, did not speak, hardly looked at each other.

Leeann was drinking and feeling a little upset with John and M. was trying to comfort her. I told Leeann to come outside and have a cigarette with me and M. was still trying to comfort her, I told him "I got it." and winked at him and pulled her outside. We were out there talking and venting and just chilling and M. comes out, opens his beer bottle on the brick wall and walks back inside, just being nosy. About five minutes later he comes out again, bullshits with Leeann and then tells her to go inside. He sat out there with me, went on about how he was sick of the shit and re-iterated again how he's completely unattracted to me and I'm a damn good friend but until I lose 80lbs I'll be nothing more. We were in the middle of talking when he walked away and went back inside, the last thing he said to me was "I'd rather sleep here than have to go home and sleep in the same bed with you." I followed him into John and Leeann's bedroom to try and get him to continue our conversation and he says "I don't care about you, I don't give a shit about you. I want you to leave. How does that make you feel?" So I went and got my stuff, told Nick to move the car and I followed him outside. As I'm walking out I can hear Leeann yelling at him, "FIX IT, FIX IT, I DON'T CARE HOW BUT YOU NEED TO FUCKING FIX IT NOW." And so M. comes outside and he says "Are you going home?" and I said "Are you really talking to me right now?" and he said "Are you going home because I think you should stay." And he came to hug me and I shoved him and said "The only reason you're out here is because Leeann said something, fuck you." and he throws up his hands, walked back in the house and goes "I tried to fix it." and so Leeann came outside and again, her and Nick talked me into staying. So I went inside and mainly talked to Nick and John. Leeann and M. dipped out a couple times to talk about God knows what, probably about Leeann and John or about M. and I, whatever. So a couple hours goes by and M. disappears outside, Leeann follows. The rest of us go in the backyard to have a cigarette. Leeann walks around the back and says "He promised to be nice to the next person who goes out there." and John, Leeann and Nick all looked at me. So I walked out front, walked inside, walked all over trying to find him, I couldn't. I went and got John and he immediately found him sitting against a tree. I gave them a couple minutes, waited, then went outside. John went in and I sat next to M. and we talked for a minute. Then he says to me, "You are a friend, a damn good friend, a great person, an awesome girl, you're fun to be around, you're a great friend...emphasis on friend. If I gave you a sword I'd expect you to fight next to me...but you're not my lover." And I told him "I realize that."

At that point I was so exhausted and numb and just over it, I didn't want to talk. We all know that what I wanted was for him to hug me, kiss me, and tell me he was sorry and it'd be alright. We all know that wasn't going to happen. So I go back inside, M. sits out there alone for awhile longer, John bouncing in between inside and outside. About 2:30am I go outside as John's coming in to get M. another beer. I told John not to, let me talk to him, and see if we could go home. So I go outside and ask him, "Hey, you about ready to go, it's dying down in there?" and he says "No." I sighed and said "Okay." and turned to walk away and he goes "What?" and I said "Nothing." "What?" "Nothing, there is no issue." "What??" and I said "I have to work in about four hours, I'm tired, I was wondering if we were going home yet or not, simple as that." and he said "Well I told you I'm not ready to leave so what's the issue?" and I said "I thought I just made it clear we have no issue." Then he says to me "Well if you wanna go take my damn house keys and get on with it. Take my keys and go, I don't give a damn." and I walked inside and went to tell the guys I was leaving. Well that turned into me getting sucked into a conversation with John and Nick about M. and why he treats me the way he does and just about everything in general. John says that M. really does care about me more than he lets on and refrenced us getting married one day and all of that. Well we sat there talking, Leeann went out to talk to M. some more then everyone was outside. John and Leeann went inside and Leeann got really sick. All four of us sat in there and took care of her for a little bit and decided to leave the two of them be and head our ways.

M and Nick drove together to M's house. Nick had mentioned being hungry and wanting some Powerade and I was craving some sweet tea something fierce so I went to McDonald's and got food and drinks for M. and Nick and then got back to the house. M.'s mood changed a bit when he saw me walk in, started hugging on me, telling me thank you, etc. etc. They ate and I wandered for a bit. About 4:30a I excused myself to go to bed and I heard M. and Nick saying their goodbyes. I got into bed, left the light on, and M. came in and started to get undressed for bed. He made small talk like he always feels the need to before bed and then climbed in. Said something about "The next girl I date can't be blind to what's going on around her, she has to have some eyes, not like you. You're lucky your damn cute otherwise I wouldn't waste my time." He came and laid down on top of me for a minute, turned over and started to snore. I stayed awake for about an hour, rubbing his back when he got short of breath and restless and finally I fell asleep.

I just cannot belive him. Even if I didn't love him or care about him in the capacity that I do, if I'm supposedly his "friend" than he should never speak to me like that...I'm curious to see what he's going to say, if he remembers any of it, if he's sorry, if he meant it...according to John he was in a mood and I could be 300lbs or 130lbs and it wouldn't have made a difference in the way he was last night. John and Nick tried to assuage me as much as they could, they've known him for a long time and Nick had a lot of great insight, not just into M. but into human nature in general. I thoroughly enjoyed his presence throughout the evening. John's too. I had a good time aside from the useless bullshit that M. put me through.

One thing that pissed me off to no end, when he was sitting under the tree and we were talking, he tried to blame me for everything...I told him "I take fault for a lot of shit, I know I acted childish earlier when I walked out, I know that I'm a fat bitch, I know a lot of things and one thing I know is that tonight is your fault...you can ask anyone of those people in the house and they'll tell you, tonight is on you." and all he said to me was "Go the hell home then."

I just don't get how less than a week ago I needed to "get ready to defend my position" and "we might have some explaining to do in the non-distant future." To me, that means "I realize how awesome you are and I know you're trying to lose weight but I'm seriously considering taking this seriously." and last night he "hates me" and I can "go to hell and die." I don't get him. And John tried to defend him and let me know he really didn't mean it and everything else but I'm a firm believer that drunken words are sober thoughts.

"Life is not what I thought it was 24 hours ago..."

I just ate Chinese crap food for the first time in 3 weeks and my stomach is ridiculously upset now. Thank you China One but no thank you. Blech. I am so sleepy, I cannot stop yawning and it's driving me crazy!! Ugh. I'm gonna go get my eyebrows waxed afterwork, they're scary...and I'm debating on whether or not I want to dye my hair black. I feel like my hair is finally starting to behave, my roots are starting to show through.


Spent the night at M.'s last night. It was a good night overall...we had a rough start, he was in a bad mood and he was drinking but once he got that good buzz going we had a good time. It was like it was before, we sang to each other and were just very touchy feely and I held him while we fell asleep...I miss doing that, I miss being able to hold him at night...normally it's the other way around, it's a guy holding the girl, making her feel safe but I get a sense of pride and a happy warmth inside knowing that I can bring him comfort.

I'm really eager to get to the gym today, I don't know why. I have a couple errands to run first, couple things to do, but I really want to go and just bust my ass. I want to lose 2 sizes by July 4th. That's my short term goal. I want to be down into a size 14. I'll be content to get to a 16 but what I really want is to be in a 14. I'm going to really tighten up on my eating and drinking and physical activities. I meet with Jason on Friday morning at 6am to work out and comprise a plan for me. My biggest thing is creating a diet and sticking with it!! Before he had me at like 1200 calories a day but I'm willing to cut that in half and eat nothing but celery and watermelon for the rest of my life. =/ I just want to get down to my goal so bad, I want to feel comfortable in my bathing suit and get my tattoos and do all the things I wanna do. I want a tattoo from my ribcage to my hip and I know I'll never get it if I stay fat like I am now, lol. I want two tats on my hips too and maybe one across my back. All of them will be hidden of course.

I stopped by Fat Ink last night and talked to an artist named Jackie. She said she can definitely fix up the tattoo on my foot and maybe add a background to it to distract from the bleeding where Dustin messed it up. I really love my tattoo but I wish I would have thought ahead enough to get someone who is a licensed professional to do it, not someone who runs it out of the back room of their house. Ugh. And to think, I paid $50 for it. Piece of shit. I could have had Dixie do it because I love her and trust her and could have beat her ass if she screwed it up. If Jackie does good work fixing up my foot maybe I'll have her keep doing my tattoos in the future, who knows. I know I want more. I won't get anything too crazy, the biggest piece I get will probably be the one from my hip to my rib cage.

"Don't you know nobody drinks alone"

Last night was...last night. I went to the gym until about eight, got home and about nine M. called me and essentially invited me over...it was more a discussion of "I don't care if you come over" proportions. Anyway, I knew he'd be drinking and I hate when he drinks alone because 9 times out of 10 he'll call me to come over anyways because drinking alone he gets depressed. So I figured why not just go, keep him some company, have a couple glasses of wine and go to bed? Harmless, right?

BAD IDEA! Not because we had a bad night per say but because apparently I had more wine than I thought and spent midnight on sick as hell. Bad thing, I didn't get there until 10pm. I downed half a jug of wine in two hours and I damn sure payed for it. It was so random too, I just got up to go to the bathroom and when I got in there, boom. I have not been that sick from drinking in a long time and I've never been sick in front of M. before.

I am so thankful he was there. I was really embarrassed but I got over that quickly and accepted his assistance. He got me water and pepto bismol, he didn't even get mad about me getting sick on his bed, didn't get mad about anything. I know I said a lot of random stufff, I know I threw around "I love you" quite a few times which I don't say anymore unless I'm drinking. I don't know what set me off, I don't know why I drank so much. Part of it might have had to do with him mentioning that he was talking to this random girl he used to date. He said it's more out of curiousity than anything else, they've already tried to make it work twice and it hasn't. He asked if it would upset me if they started hanging out and I started to cry. It was more the wine than anything else, but even still. I told him if it becomes a daily or even semi-regular thing, of course I'd be upset.

We listened to this Kenny Chesney song I've never heard before and I immediately started to cry. It's called "Better as a Memory" and the hook to the song is "I was better as a memory than as your man." and it just reminds me of the way that things can go south with M. and I hope and pray that nothing goes south with him. I do love him, I seriously do. I can see myself marrying this guy in a practical sense. With Cedric it was more because he was my first love, he was the only thing I'd ever known romantically that way and I knew that I cared about him and loved him but marrying him was pushing it. With M. I can actually visualize our life together, I can see me and him getting married and having children and living happily ever after. We mesh that well when things are good and when things are bad we deal with them and move on, I can only think of one, maybe two fights in the past four months that have carried on past an hour. And all of our fights are over stupid little shit, nothing major or life changing.

Okay, back to work. I'm sure I'll ramble on some more later but I need to kill a few hours actually doing my damn job.

"Well you done done me and you bet I felt it..."

After a rough weekend (to say the least) I have a renewed sense of hope and self...and people say Monday's are bad days.

Friday night I went out with Leeann and Meghan. Leeann and I grabbed drinks at Chilli's than headed to the Watering Trough with Meghan. We had a great time...drank a little much. M. came to pick us up way too early in our opinion but it was a free ride so the complaints were kept between us. Apparently when we got home, I made a complete fool of myself in front of M. while we were laying in bed. I don't remember exactly what words were exchanged but I know I was sad, I started to cry and M. rubbed my back and told me it would be okay and he held me for a little bit then rolled over and fell asleep. It was sweet for awhile and I'm at least thankful I remember his kindness and not everything else. The next morning was rough though, on both of us, me more so than  him. I felt ashamed and I was a little grumpy and he was rightfully grumpy so it was just a rough day all around.

Saturday I spent the day cleaning my aunt's house with my mom and step-dad. It was a selfish gesture on my part because while I know my aunt needs help with such things, I did it mainly so that my mom and I would start speaking to each other again. We've been on the outs because she doesn't like me going out and spending the night out at people's houses, etc. etc. and I've done so three times in the last week.

M. and I had it out on Saturday night. Words were thrown around and things were said. He actually suggested that we not speak for three months until I lose weight and I about lost it both on him and myself. We're okay now, as okay as we can be I suppose. We talked a couple times breifly yesterday and he was short with me, borderline pissed each time so I left well enough alone, left him alone. Monday is generally a night I come spend the night since I have Tuesday's off and while I have my stuff to sleep over in the car just in case, I doubt he'll call. If he does, I don't know if I'll say yes. I have laundry and other obligations I need to fufill. My room is trashed and I want to play some guitar and maybe sew some bags tonight or make some jewelry, do something to distract me from thinking about him.

Work has been busy thankfully today. I've paused for the last two hours, I wrote the upper portion of this two hours ago and I just now have two seconds to add to it. I have eight callbacks pending, jobsheets to print for tomorrow, follow-up calls to complete and pre-calls to complete. I hate feeling rushed like this. I'm going to smoke a cigarette in a minute, relax and hopefully get ready to bust it out for the next four hours.

I spent the day at Meghan's house yesterday with her family. I love them, they're so upbeat and open. We hung around drinking beer and pina coladas, smoking cigarettes and playing volleyball. I had a lot of fun and it was really relaxing! I definitely needed that.

I'll probably write later when I get home...if I don't update we all know where I went but I haven't heard anything from him today so it is what it is.

"I wanna it swing, I wanna feel it sway..."

Working out everyday really does improve one's quality of life. I feel so much better about everything now a days. Even though I woke up sore and tired as hell today, I am still in a good mood, I am still looking forward to my work out this afternoon after work and looking forward to working out the day after that and so on and so forth.

Yesterday afterwork I went to the gym and then hung out with M. and his best friend...we had a damn good night til his friend's girlfriend showed up and dragged his best friend home. I don't get some girls, and M. and I spent the better part of last night's drive home as well as about 45 minutes just now talking about it over the phone. This girl thinks that she owns him...how do you "own" another person?? Her and I are gym buddies and so we talk a good bit, she constantly says things like "He's not a free man" and "He can't do whatever he wants"...sweetheart, it is our God-given right as American's to do whatever we want and whether he's with you or not, he will. She doesn't like him and M. to hang out because she thinks M. is a bad influence when in actuality, probably the ONLY reason they're still a couple this morning is because M. told him to stand down last night when he was starting to get mouthy, he told him that they'd just hang out today. We left M's car at their place because M. had been drinking so I drove us home and when M. was trying to breifly set it up so that his friend could take him to get his car, his friend's girlfriend is like "you don't have plans tomorrow...you DON'T have plans tomorrow, you have stuff to do..." I mean I enjoy this girls company and the four of us have hung out on more than one occasion...at first, things were hunky dory for lack of a better description, we all hung out and enjoyed ourselves but she's way too comfortable embarrassing him and trying to pull rank in front of his friends. In her defense, M. and this guy have been friends since they were about 11 or 12 and I've been around enough that they're comfortable around the two of us, but still, it's disrespect...blatant disrespect. M. and I talked a lot about it last night and how he's glad I'm not "bat-shit crazy" like this girl is. This girl seriously drove up, sat in her car for no less than three minutes than got out and stood there until his friend went over. She lit him up in front of me and M...it's just serious disrespect. How can you have a relationship without respecting someone? It's not plausible and it's not realistic.

We were having a damn good time though. I did a beer and pizza run for the guys since they were drinking already, hung out and a drank a beer, at a slice of pizza and bullshitted. It was the first time since I've met his friend that I've really seen him break out of his shell and actually have FUN! They were cracking jokes about the three of us and questionable activities *cough cough* and being very talkative and just having honest, harmless fun. She pulled up as her boyfriend was giving me a lap dance, we laughed our asses off. She didn't see it, Thank God, but we were all scared she did and M. laughed so hard he spit his beer out...it was the hardest I've ever seen his friend laugh and damn close to the hardest time I've ever seen M. laugh.

M. really impressed/surprised me last night with some of the things he said to me...I think last weekend woke him up and I'm glad, I'm so glad that I'm not wrong about him. Our conversations no longer include the word "if"...as in "If we start dating..." it's now a "when". "When we start dating..." He told me he doesn't give me enough credit and he does appreciate me. He said Thank You several times last night and called me about an hour ago just to Thank me again. Little shit like that speaks volumes! He's giving me a lot more credit, praise, affection, etc. We were actually able to sleep fairly well last night for the first time in about a week and there's a chance I may see him again tonight. I think a big part of the change between us is on my part as much as his. I'm not crowding him anymore...tonight for example, he mentioned something about drinking. I told him I'd be in Tampa but if he needed me, call me and I'd come get him. And he said he'd probably take me up on that. The way that's different than before is I'd normally hang around Largo, even if I had no money or any plans, I'd hang out and wait for the possibility of him calling me and that was stifling. He's beginning to trust me more and more now, which is a huge step for him because he's very wary of females considering the way he's been screwed over in the past. I know have free reign of his debit card when I need to run an errand at his benefit, last night's a good example. And he's more comfortable with my presence in front of other people, especially since he knows I've been busting my ass lately and that I'm only going to get better looking. Him and his friend apparently had a conversation about how M. is going to have "one hell of a girlfriend" and his friend, while we were eating, made a comment about how I was "smart and funny and sweet and fun to be around and SWEET" lol. It was funny. His friend does like me, which is good. It means a lot to M. to have one of his friends approval especially one of this particular friend's caliber. I was told last night that I "outrank" his friend's girlfriend as far as our little foursome goes. The only thing she has on me, she weighs less, but she carries it a lot more unattractively than I do for lack of a better way to describe it. You can tell she's built small, I'm not. There-in lies the difference.

 But the fact that I "outrank" her and was flat out told that I "outrank" her means that M. and I are getting closer and closer to our happily ever after.

"Drink a little drank, smoke a little smoke..."

So I feel wonderful! I've had a very fufilling past couple days and I haven't felt this good, this upbeat in a long time.

I went to the gym yesterday after work and put in two hours, woke up at an ungodly hour this morning and put in two hours and I'm going to go back to the gym after work for another couple hours. I'm addicted to working out for multiple reasons. 1) I felt like crap when I woke up this morning but as soon as I got in there and started working out, I felt great! 2) I want to slim down as much as possible in the next week or so because Meghan got VIP tickets to Shepherd's for Memorial Day Weekend 3) I want to get down to a healthy weight because I'll look and feel better and 4) M. has already told me how proud he is that I'm putting in so much time and effort and him and I have been getting along great lately and I just want us to be in a good place. He's kind of like my reward...you set goals and work hard to achieve them and reward yourself in the end, my reward is happiness not only with myself but happiness in my relationship with him. He's been going to the gym everyday too and he's already lost some weight.

I'm drinking a ton of water, cut out soda completely. I went shopping today for work food, got some grapes, carrots, yogurt, lean pockets, pickles, blue corn tortillas and salsa, popcorn, and applesauce. I can't wait to get back in the gym this afternoon. One thing I've started to do that I really want to keep working on is running. I'm starting slow and light but eventually I'd like to get to the point where I can run a couple miles a day and start doing that in addition to my workouts in the gym. I spent some time last night putting good work out songs on my MP3 player.

The only thing plaguing me really and truly is money...or lack there of. I reached a settlement with one card today because it was either that or my file got sent to a lawyer. The battery in my car is literally on it's last leg. I have to pay that speeding ticket. I figure if I can make at least, at the VERY least $300 per check I'll be alright but right now, I'm scared. I know next week's check will be decently sized so I'm hoping to put 1/2 of it into my account. I have to pay off a payday loan from Amscot only to turn around and get another one 24hours after when I can. It's just irritating. I wish I had never gotten myself into this mess. I just want to pay off my cards and be done with it. I'm going to knock out the two small ones and be done with them, then I have 3 big ones left. =/ The whole thing just sucks.

"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you..."

Gorgeous rainy day today...hate being stuck at work, I'd rather be stuck in bed. Reminds me of one particular Sunday not to long ago, M. and I spent the whole day in bed and on the couch. That was a great day.

Talked to M. yesterday...I've been thinking about him a lot, thinking about what we talked about on Saturday and how everything played out. You know some people are disappointed in the fact that I couldn't say goodbye, the fact that I couldn't part ways with him...and while I don't blame many of them, I think a big part of the problem is I never talked about all the good things that M. did for me, how he took care of me on my bad days, how he took care of me (in one instance I remember) when I was sick to my stomach and he was just very doting and sweet. He helped me with money on more than on occaision and on top of all the bad, did a lot of good too.

David also called me last night. Told me that M. called him and text him a few times but that David blew him off. I hate running interference on these two...telling one what the other has said, they're worse than high schoolers some time. David is doing M. dirty in some ways and in other ways, I wish I had his strength...David's reasons for parting with M. are shady though, he is walking away from a friend because he has a new girl in his life and that is wrong. My only advice to David was don't burn bridges you can't afford to burn... I don't burn my bridge with M. because I can't afford to...I rely on him as a friend and I told him last night, even if we never get together, I will always be his friend. And I mean that, I am not an unloyal person and M. even admitted last night I have proven myself trustworthy on a number of occasions. I don't know, I take it 1 day at a time with M. because that's all I really can do.

God I'm tired. I've gotten too much sleep in that past two days, my body is in shock from it. I have Danielle's graduation to go to tonight. Her party was yesterday at our house, we had a good time. I enjoyed seeing all my family and spending time with them. I am proud of her for busting her ass in school and getting into UCF and going away to college. It was disheartening though because all I heard from them is "When are you going back to school?" "What are you doing with the rest of your life now that you're not in school?"  I know I need to get back to school, I know I need to get my degree, I know that I need to do a lot of things but right now, I need to get the $6000 debt looming over my head to go away so that I can get financial aid and a loan and money saved up to go back to school. I just have a lot on my plate right now and I'm trying to figure out which bite to swallow first.

"Well the truth...well it hurts to say, I'm gonna pack up my bags..."

So I completely waffled yesterday...COMPLETELY...as in, look up the definition of "I have no spine to speak of" in the dictionary and there's a big honking portrait of me.

I got to M's house and we sat in silence for a good five minutes. Then I asked, "What do you remember?" and he remembers nothing except for his legs giving and how scared he was. That's it. He remembers NOTHING. Doesn't remember ignoring me, doesn't remember hitting on my friend, doesn't remember saying anything about Maddy or me following him home, doesn't remember talking to me on the phone after and his friend being rude to me...nothing.

He was genuinely apologetic and thanked me for containing his mishaps as best I could in front of his friends. He said sorry quite a few times and I could tell it was genuine. And the fact that he thanked me spoke volumes.

He also said something that stuck with me. "I really don't treat you as good as I should." and he told me he missed having me around at the house.

I am going to maintain my distance, seeing him maybe once a week or so, but it's so strange. Saturday night I was so hopeless, I was dead set on the fact that we were never going to be together and I was going to walk out of his life. But yesterday, I was renewed with hope... I don't know... I'm not going to give up on him, I never give up on anyone but for whatever reason, my hope for him and for us is endless despite all the shit that went on.

"Stupid boy, you can't fence that in..."

So surprise surprise M just called me. First words out of his mouth..."What happened last night?"

I told him "We need to talk. Can I come over after work?" and he said "Sure."

He's having lunch with the friend from last night...God only knows how that conversation is going to go. I'm going to tell Mike everything, I'm not going to sugarcoat shit and he can take it how he wants.

I just hope I'm strong enough to walk away from it like I need to. I do not want to walk away from him but I know that I need to. The thing is I don't know if it's him or the idea of him that I'm in love with. I constantly find myself focusing on what our relationship has the potential to be and not what the relationship is. It is dysfunctional. I'm in love with someone who "loves my personality" but can't bring me out in public because I'm too fat?? How did I let myself get sucked into this?? I keep hitting myself over the head and yet when the phone rang and I saw his name, my heart jumped.

As much as I want to hate him, I have nothing but affection for him. I defend him ENDLESSLY to my friends and it's screwed up because he's NEVER met my friends. He met Meghan last night because that's who I was with, he's never met Kristyn or Amanda or Jessica or Tonia, never met any of the people who I consider family in my life, hell, he's never met anyone even remotely connected to me. Because we don't go out! We have lived together and been seeing each other for three months and occasionally we'll go to the liquor or grocery store together, once we even went to Gamestop but we have never been out to eat or been on a "date" and last night was just a rare occasion when our plans interceded and we both intended on being in the same place at the same time and happened to see each other.

I remember one night I went out to eat with David. M had left me home alone to go out with his friends and David took me out to Chilli's and then we went to the gym and I remember David telling me a couple days later that M had asked him "How could you go out to eat with her? How did you deal with the people staring?' David defended me to the death, God love him. But M needs to realize that I am not some sort of monster, I am not morbidly obese and many men find my curves incrediably attractive...yet the one guy I choose to give my heart to is the one who thinks I need to lose 80lbs in order to be with me...how fucked is that? I have lost 70lbs in the past year and a half...I take diet pills, I drink endless amounts of water, I eat healthy and go to the gym everyday. I'm busing my ass to lose more weight and it's not for him, it's for me. I want to walk outside in a pair of size 8 or 10 pants and feel confident and sexy. I was so proud of myself for losing all the weight I've lost and I never questioned I was beautiful after that...well not at least until I met M.

I am so worried now, I have bubble guts and my heart is pounding...I don't know if I'm strong enough not to cave.

It's funny, I got a tattoo on my foot of the word "Brave"...I got that tattoo after M. and I got in a fight one night and I got it to remind me that I didn't need anyone but myself to get by, I got it to remind me especially that I didn't need M or any other man to validate my existance and that I am a brave and strong and intelligent woman...thing is, I believed it that night...I believed it for a few days after...I'm having a wicked hard time believing it right now.

"The truth is I'm only drinking me lonely tonight..."

So my cell phone just vibrated and I felt this ridiculous surge of adrenaline to my heart, I got a head rush. Turns out it was just a telemarketer...

How did I let myself get this way? How did I give myself to someone like this when he doesn't deserve it. I want him to beg for forgiveness today so I can say "It's okay baby, I forgive you. We're going to be fine..." But a) I know that will never happen and b) even if hell froze over and it did, everything would not be fine with us...as much as I think we're perfect for each other, out there, I am beginning to realize there is someone just as perfect who thinks I'm beautiful and worthy just the way I am, not the way I'll be 80lbs from now.

M and I have similar lifestyles, we love the same movies and we're both avid readers. We love the same music and the same food, we love to cook together and drink wine and sing to each other, our lips barely touching...God I'm such a sucker...I am so mad at him and yet when I think about the last night we spent together, drunkenly singing to each other, I get chills remembering how his breath felt against my lips and my neck and my ears...I get chills remembering how his bare skin feels on mine when we're sleeping...I get chills remembering that one of the things I love about him and and about us is that he tries to be strong around everyone else but with me, I can see how vulnerable he really is...

I doubt he cares enough that this will break him but he's already so fucking emotionally fragile that I don't know...it could...I know that David is about .5 seconds away from being done with him and that hurts M. I know that his relationship with John is strained because of issues that Leeann and M have. I know that he's scared to death he'll never get on a department and end up alone for the rest of his life. I know that he's reckless and he doesn't really care what happens to him.

When we talk today, I'll see how much he remembers and what his friend told him about last night...thing is, his friend doesn't know the half of it...his friend doesn't know that he was in extreme pain because of his legs, his friend doesn't know that M was getting ready to fight, his friend doesn't know that he said he loved me and made me swear not to leave his side for the rest of the night. His friend doesn't know that I have spent the last 3 months of my life living with M and sleeping in the same bed with him and doesn't know that all I want is to take care of him and love him and make him happy. I swear, his friend probably has filled his head with all kinds of crap at this point. "That fat drunk bitch was doing this and this and this...and she called 100 times (when in actuality it was 2), she was all over you and being all depressed and shit because you weren't paying attention to her..." That's all his friend saw...his friend didn't see M reaching for me to steady himself or holding onto me for support because his legs weren't working right, doesn't know that M and I have a history outside of that bar.

I know my story is not over. I don't know if this is the end of M's chapter or if I'm just digressing in the plot and I'll return to him later on, when the time is right. One thing my first love, Cedric (still my best friend despite breaking heart) has engrained into me is to never have expectations and to never close a door and lock it. I'm closing this door, there's still a sliver of light at the end as there is with most doors, but as for right now, the door is being closed...

...I know if I don't close this door I'm going to jump out of the window instead...and there's no one to catch me at the bottom.

"To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain..."

Last night was the definition of miserable. It had it's highlights but nothing to outshine the end result and the conclusion I've come to since then.

Meghan got to my house about 8:30pm and we headed to the Dallas Bull. I knew M was going to be there so I made sure I looked freaking great...my hair was done, I was wearing a black tank that showed off my best "assets" for lack of a better description and everything.

We get inside the bar and I notice M immediately with his friend and a girl who I later learned was his friend's girlfriend...he was being very flirtatious and handsy with her. I sent him a text and said "You look busy, I'll say hi later." Meghan and I got our drinks and went to shoot some pool. M saw me and kept looking over at me and I made damn sure to act like I was having a great time, even if secretly I wanted to go and say hi to him right then and there.

Meghan and I went to refill our drinks and while at the bar, M got up and walked right by me on his way to the bathroom and right by me on the way back. Not one word or touch or glance. And so I text him again and said "Guess saying hi is no longer an option." and got a text back saying "Yep, it is." So we went and said hi and hung out with M and his friends.

First and foremost, M didn't completely ignore me which is a shock, but he did hit on my friend...both in front of me and behind my back. I went to the bathroom and one point and he grabbed on  her trying to get her to dance on him and all kinds of stuff...just bull crap. And he was drunk but no excuse. After that, I decided to go play pool again and on my way back to where M was he met me in the middle of the floor and was being super nice and whatever on his way to the bathroom. He came back from the bathroom and made me swear not to leave him again, made me swear not to let him go anywhere alone. So I kept my promise, stuck by his side the rest of the night despite the disrespect and abuse he was showing me. He was miserable. As was I. We are both single and subsequently lonely and the thing is, I love him like crazy. I care about him so much and he can't bring himself to feel the same about me because of my weight. It's disgusting. And yet, I still go back to him every time.

Well after about two hours of the put-downs and the "Oh, Maddy's on my mind" (His ex who cheated on him.) and everything else, I went outside with Meghan to have a good girlie cry and a smoke. M and his friends came out not five minutes later to leave...walked right by me and didn't say a thing. Needless to say, I flipped the hell out. Followed them to the truck and Meghan and I called his name and they kept walking. Finally got M to stop and Meghan dealt with his friends who were being complete asses. The guy's girlfriend, when we said I needed to talk to M, just said "What for?" and apparently Meghan gave her an earful while I pulled M to the side. I said "You're just going to leave and not say anything?" and he was like "I don't know why we're leaving..." He was that drunk. Anyway we made plans for me to follow them to M's house so that I could take care of him at home. His friend heard us make these plans and heard me say I'll be there in 45minutes.

I dropped Meghan off and headed to Largo, about a 45 minute drive from my house. Get to his house, lights off, doors locked. Figured he went in and passed out. I called him and said come open the door. And he goes "I'm not at home." I about lost it. Turns out his friend had a total disregard for the conversation we'd had in the parking lot of the bar and took M to his house. M told me that he'd be home soon and to wait for him and as we're discussing this, his friend takes the phone and says "M has to go." and hung up. I called back and his friend answered. I said "Is he staying there tonight?" and he said "Yeah, don't worry he's in good hands." and I said "I don't doubt that, I just wish you would've said something before I drove all the way to Largo!" and his friend was such a disrespectful douche for lack of better terms and hung up on me again. I had a panic attack...I was LIVID. I called David, a mutual friend of M's and mine, and just let loose. I drove the hour to Carrollwood and spent the night crying with Meghan.

I sent M a text this morning telling him to call me when he gets up. If I don't hear from him, which I doubt I will, I'm calling him afterwork and telling him we HAVE to talk...and by talk, I mean he's going to sit there and listen to me tear him a new one, watch me grab the little bit of stuff I have at the house and walk out the door.

I always promised I wouldn't be "that girl" and that's EXACTLY what I have become. I am chasing him like a sick puppy and it's pathetic and sad and I cannot let myself be that girl anymore. I'm scared as hell that I'm going to cave today when I go talk to him, I don't know if I'm strong enough to say that I'm better than this, better than him.

"She grew up good, she grew up slow..."

Yesterday driving home I got pulled over...for doing 80mph in a 50mph zone. GORGEOUS. $281.00 later, I'm now frustrated beyond belief. I thought I finally had a plan for getting my money together and managing my finances and finally thought maybe I'd get ahead...yeah, okay.

M called last night, about 3/4 of a fifth of Jack Daniels weighing heavy on our conversation. Talked about how he missed me, wanted me to move back in...that's how I know he was drunk, sober M would not make such comments. Whatever. I'll deal with the after effects when he calls this morning since knowing him, he will.

I have my first massage therapy appointment today. Hopefully it'll relieve some tension and stress that I've been harboring. I'm getting the massage therapy because of the accident but I hope it'll have some theraputic after effects too.

I'll post more ramblings in a bit, I'm sure. I'm overdue for a cigarette.

"I've got my toes in the water, ass in the sand..."

"...not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand...life is good today."

"Lying here with you would I change one thing bout' that road? No."

I'm so excited to be home and able to upload some pictures! Browsing through everyone's gorgeous photgraphs while blog stalking today definitely gave me the urge to start taking pictures again and I'm looking through some of my old shots and reliving some damn good times.

"Lover, lover, lover, you don't treat me no good no more..."

So a mid-day report that's all to unneccessary considering there's nothing new to actually report. If I smoke another cigarette I'm going to turn into a box of Marlboro's, yet I know as soon as I'm done here the door is getting propped open and HELLO Nicotine. My trusty friend.

I'm sitting her moderately sulking. The Throwdown Tour kicks off tomorrow at the Ford Amphitheatre and of course, I am stuck at work until 5pm...wouldn't be so bad if the ticket special didn't end at 5pm and the artists I actually want to see played after 5pm. I'm just worried if I'd go later,after five, that I'll miss Eric Church and Little Big Town...not to mention I don't have anyone to go with. Such is life. Maybe I'll go regardless, see if I can find someone to go with for a few hours.

I can't stop thinking about last night with M. I can still smell traces of my perfume, which irritates me because it's hiding somewhere in my car and it's the first time in awhile I found a perfume he's complimented me on. I feel like I can still smell him...it's comforting and sad all at the same time. I miss having someone to sleep with at night, someone warm in the bed next to me. We had a great night last night, truly. The first good one in awhile...most days I don't miss living with him per say as much as I miss just seeing him. But at night, nighttime is when it's worst because then I lay down and remember "Wow...no one in bed tonight but me..." He's got it a bit worse than I do in some ways. He lives in an empty house. I'm living back with my mom and while things are not bad and I enjoy seeing my family everyday, part of me can't wait until I either A) Get money for an apartment, or B) get everything settled and M and I give it another go. We'll see, we'll see, we'll see.

I've been lurking around here, stumbling across all kinds of amazing photography blogs...I can't wait until I get home so I can upload some pictures and post some of my stuff. It's the little things in life that get me excited.

"He's the song in the car I keep singing..."

Days like today aren't worth being trapped indoors. I can see the spanish moss on the trees outside the window moving ever so slightly in the summer breeze. I think I'm overdue for a trip to Hillsborough River State Park. It's my favorite place in the world to go when things are overwhelming or I just need a day to clear my head. I want to see if M will go with me, but I doubt he will. Maybe it'll serve me right to have a day just by myself.

Had appetizers and drinks with Meg and Jess last night, my two closest friends from the eighth grade, one of whom I haven't seen in seven years. That was extremely fun. It's funny how comfortable you can be around old friends despite the fact that we've all changed drastically over the past years. We laughed about all the old, stupid things we used to do to scare our classmates...we were the outcasts at a small private Catholic school and we definitely capitalized on that when we were kids.

After that was through I got to see M and put all fears (the newly developed ones anyway) out of my head. It's funny, when one of us cooks, it comes out anywhere from adequate to great. When we order out, more often than not, we're disappointed at the end of the meal...last night was one of those nights...a crappy tasting gyro on his end, a soggy greek salad on mine. We made due of course but it still makes you think...maybe next time I see him I'll cook. It's weird transitioning from living together to just hanging out once a week. I still find myself saying "We need soda" or "We need soap" or "We need to do laundry" but in truth, "WE" don't need to do anything...he needs soap and soda and to do laundry, he is living in his house alone now...if we get our issues straightened out, I see no reason why we can't try again, but we both have to get things handled first.

Things at work are taking a dive, not on my end, but as a whole. We have issues upon issues, situation upon situation that needs resolving. We have new employees coming in, old employees moving on, customers, everything is just hectic right now.

"Calling your name is a waste of my breath..."

Today has proven to be a very good day so far, my first good day in a long time.

Last night, I managed to repair what I feared was irrepairable damage to a relationship I'm fighting to hold on to. Don't open your big mouth and say things that cross the line because then you stand to lose something or in my case someone that means a lot to you.

I get to work on repairing the afformentioned relationship in person tonight. There are so many flaws in this, so many things to work on, mainly on my end...but I'm trying. I'm working on it as hard as I can and I just hope it's enough...two months, maybe three, and we'll see how it plays, we'll see where it lands.

I'm having a quick dinner tonight with two girlfriends from middle school, one of whom I haven't seen in about seven or eight years. It's crazy. It'll be nice to catch up with them and rebuild some fledgling friendships.

Work is dead slow. Only 50 minutes left, respectively. It's odd, watching all the cars zooming by on US 19 all busy busy busy while I sit here practically ready to jump out of my seat. Note to self, only take my diet pill before I go to the gym, otherwise I waste all this energy and random spurts of adrenaline. Between delivering 1 estimate and typing this, I've managed to waste another 10 minutes so now I only have 40 left. Oh joy.