Last night was interesting, lol. It's funny how many of my entries begin that way. I went to hang out with John and Mike...together...all three of us. I thought it would be wicked awkward but I was the only one behaving as such.
As expected many jokes were cracked at both John's and my own expense and it was all in good fun. It's just hard because while I fooled around with John, everyone know's I really want Mike...even John knows I really want Mike. John and I were laying in the couch together and I kept looking over at Mike, catching his eyes and my heart started to jump like I was a dumb kid or something.
At one point, Mike sent John to go get cigarettes and when John was gone, he pulled me onto his lap and told me how happy he was that I came over and how excited he was to see me. My heart literally did somersaults in my chest. Then John came back and as much as I didn't want to, I resumed my position of cuddling with him.
The one thing that was weighing really heavy on my mind is who was I going to sleep with?? John kept grabbing on me and feeling me up and making blatant sexual passes like sticking his hand up my skirt for example and I just kind of nudged him off. At one point I was outside bitching to Amanda K. about how hard it was for me, how sad it made me...and John came outside and I hung up and he's like "What's wrong?" and I said "Nothing." and he just flat out asked "So...who ya sleeping with tonight?" and I just laughed out loud and said "Why do you think I've been so quiet??" and once inside, I pulled off some complete bull about why I should sleep with Mike. I told John "A. I know you don't really like to sleep with other people, B. I have to work in the morning and if I sleep with you than we won't be going to sleep. and C. Mike is used to me waking him up ass early so I can leave and I don't want to ruin your day off by waking you up early." and surprisingly, though it was all true, John didn't call bullshit.
We were all hanging out in the office and drinking, I only had one beer, but we were listening to music and right around 12AM John left the room for a minute and Mike grabs me and kisses me with more passion than I've seen from him in over two months. I was literally breathless and my heart was pounding. He kept that up, everytime John would sneak out for a beer or to go to the bathroom, Mike would just launch towards me and eventually they were slow, sweet, loving kisses...it was so...I don't know...breathtaking to feel his lips on mine again, as ridiculous as that sounds...Mike hasn't kissed me in so long that I almost forgot what it felt like.
At one point, I'd decided I was going to bed. I laid down in the room and left the light on because I knew Mike would stumble in and put it on anyway. I heard him come in about two minutes after I did and he just started kissing me and running his hands along my legs and he said "Come on, stay up with us for just 30 more minutes." and I was putty in his hands like I always am. So I stayed up and about 2:30AM we called it a night. Mike and I instantly went at it and it was probably the most amazing sex we've ever had. It lasted for an hour, which generally for us, is unheard of. Normally, sex with us is very cut and dry...not a lot of emotion or talking or anything and last night ALL of that was there. He said some of the sweetest things to me and it was just honest to God probably the best sex I've had in my life and definitely with Mike.
One of the biggest arguements Mike and I get into is the pregnancy arguement. For any two people engaging in sex it's a conversation that needs to be had and unfortunately for us, up until recently, we've had a huge difference in opinion. I've always wanted kids, always. And while I'm not ready to have them now, I don't think I could ever stomach getting an abortion. Mike is all for the abortion. It's one of the reasons, according to him, we stopped having sex and that's because I haven't been on birth control consistantly. Well he was upset this morning and made comments about how "If you get pregnant I'm just gonna shoot myself." and that kind of stuff pisses me off. So at one point I said "Have a good day" slammed the bedroom door and went to brush my teeth. He gave it a few minutes and once he realized I was still in the house, he came out and blocked me in the bathroom and said "It's not just your life you know." and I follwed him back into the bedroom and I told him "On the off chance I am pregnant, I'd consider abortion. CONSIDER. We're not a couple for multiple reasons and neither one of us is in the place to have a kid. I wouldn't do anything to compromise your hopes and dreams and aspirations and I know that having a child would forever effect BOTH of us." and Him hearing that made things a lot better. We joked around and he laid back down in bed and I kissed him goodbye and he said "I really wish you didn't have to go to work..." and I told him "I know, me too." and we were done with it. I text him today and let him know I made an appointment on Saturday and I'm going to go pick up my birth control.
The only real issue I have is John. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to fool around with John one day and have sex with Mike the next. I'm not like that. And I told Mike last night, my choice will always be you. John and I crossed a bridge that cannot be uncrossed but we play and joke around and it's done with. I'm not interested in John beyond friendship.
Mike and Heather called it "quits" as much as you can when you're not even officially dating someone. Apparently Heather doesn't like Mike's lack of family commitment. Well crazy bitch his family lives 8-10 hours away and he has a tight knit group of friends who are considered his family. And for that reason, he got a text last night that said "We can't date." and I just laughed. I hate that he's unhappy but deep down I know he's waiting for me.
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