There is no way to explain the way I feel this morning. I am completely and utterly numb inside and running off of less than an hour of sleep. Last night was the definition of a disaster in every way shape and form and of course, I bet money, M. won't remember 90% of it...and if he does, I might just lose my shit.
M. called me about 8pm asking me to meet him, his best friend, John, and his best friend's girlfriend, Leeann, at this bar, the Tilted Kilt. I was busy and had committed to picking up my aunt from work at 10pm so it wasn't an option. I got a call about 9:30pm asking "Are you sure you can't come??" and I relented and said "Okay, I can be there by 11:00pm or 11:30pm." I rushed home, got dressed, and got a message that they were at this bar called Fuzzie's. Drove out there and first thing I see when I walk in is M. all over Leeann. They have a very special bond because of some shit the three of them went through a few years back and I respect that and I recognize that there is no threat there, but it's still kind of bums me out to see it. I was fairly quiet, not too quiet at least not in my opinion.
Anyway, we hung at the bar for about thirty minutes and decided to move over to Leeann and John's house. While waiting for John to pay the tab, M. asked me what was wrong and I told him it was nothing worth talking about and it really wasn't but in true M. fashion he kept pushing me and pushing me so I brought it up. This turned into me and M. getting into a screaming match in the car on the way to his friend's house and things were said that I hope to God for his sake that he didn't mean. Cliff's notes of it: "You are a FRIEND. FRIEND. I have no romantic interest in you until you lose 60lbs" and "If that upsets you, cowboy up and fucking lose some weight." So when I got to John and Leeann's house I was obviously livid, I vented to Leeann for about five seconds and dropped it.
They were waiting on another friend Nick to get there and when Nick got there things got worse, not because of Nick's sheer presence but it just so happened the downturn coincided with his arrival. Him and M. were catching up and Nick asked about his ex-girlfriend. So M. whips out his phone and pulls up a picture of his ex kissing him on the cheek and I saw it. I didn't say anything, I grabbed my cigarettes and walked outside. Apparently M., John and Leeann played rock paper scissors to see who would come out to talk to me and unfortunately for M. he was shouldered with the burden. He comes outside and starts yelling at me, calls me a child and a spoiled brat, a fat bitch, tells me to go to hell and die, tells me fuck you fuck you fuck you I hope you die, all kinds of shit. And so I went inside to ask Nick to move his car. Leeann caught me before I got there and convinced me to stay for her, not for M. and so I agreed. M. and I did not talk, did not speak, hardly looked at each other.
Leeann was drinking and feeling a little upset with John and M. was trying to comfort her. I told Leeann to come outside and have a cigarette with me and M. was still trying to comfort her, I told him "I got it." and winked at him and pulled her outside. We were out there talking and venting and just chilling and M. comes out, opens his beer bottle on the brick wall and walks back inside, just being nosy. About five minutes later he comes out again, bullshits with Leeann and then tells her to go inside. He sat out there with me, went on about how he was sick of the shit and re-iterated again how he's completely unattracted to me and I'm a damn good friend but until I lose 80lbs I'll be nothing more. We were in the middle of talking when he walked away and went back inside, the last thing he said to me was "I'd rather sleep here than have to go home and sleep in the same bed with you." I followed him into John and Leeann's bedroom to try and get him to continue our conversation and he says "I don't care about you, I don't give a shit about you. I want you to leave. How does that make you feel?" So I went and got my stuff, told Nick to move the car and I followed him outside. As I'm walking out I can hear Leeann yelling at him, "FIX IT, FIX IT, I DON'T CARE HOW BUT YOU NEED TO FUCKING FIX IT NOW." And so M. comes outside and he says "Are you going home?" and I said "Are you really talking to me right now?" and he said "Are you going home because I think you should stay." And he came to hug me and I shoved him and said "The only reason you're out here is because Leeann said something, fuck you." and he throws up his hands, walked back in the house and goes "I tried to fix it." and so Leeann came outside and again, her and Nick talked me into staying. So I went inside and mainly talked to Nick and John. Leeann and M. dipped out a couple times to talk about God knows what, probably about Leeann and John or about M. and I, whatever. So a couple hours goes by and M. disappears outside, Leeann follows. The rest of us go in the backyard to have a cigarette. Leeann walks around the back and says "He promised to be nice to the next person who goes out there." and John, Leeann and Nick all looked at me. So I walked out front, walked inside, walked all over trying to find him, I couldn't. I went and got John and he immediately found him sitting against a tree. I gave them a couple minutes, waited, then went outside. John went in and I sat next to M. and we talked for a minute. Then he says to me, "You are a friend, a damn good friend, a great person, an awesome girl, you're fun to be around, you're a great friend...emphasis on friend. If I gave you a sword I'd expect you to fight next to me...but you're not my lover." And I told him "I realize that."
At that point I was so exhausted and numb and just over it, I didn't want to talk. We all know that what I wanted was for him to hug me, kiss me, and tell me he was sorry and it'd be alright. We all know that wasn't going to happen. So I go back inside, M. sits out there alone for awhile longer, John bouncing in between inside and outside. About 2:30am I go outside as John's coming in to get M. another beer. I told John not to, let me talk to him, and see if we could go home. So I go outside and ask him, "Hey, you about ready to go, it's dying down in there?" and he says "No." I sighed and said "Okay." and turned to walk away and he goes "What?" and I said "Nothing." "What?" "Nothing, there is no issue." "What??" and I said "I have to work in about four hours, I'm tired, I was wondering if we were going home yet or not, simple as that." and he said "Well I told you I'm not ready to leave so what's the issue?" and I said "I thought I just made it clear we have no issue." Then he says to me "Well if you wanna go take my damn house keys and get on with it. Take my keys and go, I don't give a damn." and I walked inside and went to tell the guys I was leaving. Well that turned into me getting sucked into a conversation with John and Nick about M. and why he treats me the way he does and just about everything in general. John says that M. really does care about me more than he lets on and refrenced us getting married one day and all of that. Well we sat there talking, Leeann went out to talk to M. some more then everyone was outside. John and Leeann went inside and Leeann got really sick. All four of us sat in there and took care of her for a little bit and decided to leave the two of them be and head our ways.
M and Nick drove together to M's house. Nick had mentioned being hungry and wanting some Powerade and I was craving some sweet tea something fierce so I went to McDonald's and got food and drinks for M. and Nick and then got back to the house. M.'s mood changed a bit when he saw me walk in, started hugging on me, telling me thank you, etc. etc. They ate and I wandered for a bit. About 4:30a I excused myself to go to bed and I heard M. and Nick saying their goodbyes. I got into bed, left the light on, and M. came in and started to get undressed for bed. He made small talk like he always feels the need to before bed and then climbed in. Said something about "The next girl I date can't be blind to what's going on around her, she has to have some eyes, not like you. You're lucky your damn cute otherwise I wouldn't waste my time." He came and laid down on top of me for a minute, turned over and started to snore. I stayed awake for about an hour, rubbing his back when he got short of breath and restless and finally I fell asleep.
I just cannot belive him. Even if I didn't love him or care about him in the capacity that I do, if I'm supposedly his "friend" than he should never speak to me like that...I'm curious to see what he's going to say, if he remembers any of it, if he's sorry, if he meant it...according to John he was in a mood and I could be 300lbs or 130lbs and it wouldn't have made a difference in the way he was last night. John and Nick tried to assuage me as much as they could, they've known him for a long time and Nick had a lot of great insight, not just into M. but into human nature in general. I thoroughly enjoyed his presence throughout the evening. John's too. I had a good time aside from the useless bullshit that M. put me through.
One thing that pissed me off to no end, when he was sitting under the tree and we were talking, he tried to blame me for everything...I told him "I take fault for a lot of shit, I know I acted childish earlier when I walked out, I know that I'm a fat bitch, I know a lot of things and one thing I know is that tonight is your fault...you can ask anyone of those people in the house and they'll tell you, tonight is on you." and all he said to me was "Go the hell home then."
I just don't get how less than a week ago I needed to "get ready to defend my position" and "we might have some explaining to do in the non-distant future." To me, that means "I realize how awesome you are and I know you're trying to lose weight but I'm seriously considering taking this seriously." and last night he "hates me" and I can "go to hell and die." I don't get him. And John tried to defend him and let me know he really didn't mean it and everything else but I'm a firm believer that drunken words are sober thoughts.
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