"Stupid boy, you can't fence that in..."

So surprise surprise M just called me. First words out of his mouth..."What happened last night?"

I told him "We need to talk. Can I come over after work?" and he said "Sure."

He's having lunch with the friend from last night...God only knows how that conversation is going to go. I'm going to tell Mike everything, I'm not going to sugarcoat shit and he can take it how he wants.

I just hope I'm strong enough to walk away from it like I need to. I do not want to walk away from him but I know that I need to. The thing is I don't know if it's him or the idea of him that I'm in love with. I constantly find myself focusing on what our relationship has the potential to be and not what the relationship is. It is dysfunctional. I'm in love with someone who "loves my personality" but can't bring me out in public because I'm too fat?? How did I let myself get sucked into this?? I keep hitting myself over the head and yet when the phone rang and I saw his name, my heart jumped.

As much as I want to hate him, I have nothing but affection for him. I defend him ENDLESSLY to my friends and it's screwed up because he's NEVER met my friends. He met Meghan last night because that's who I was with, he's never met Kristyn or Amanda or Jessica or Tonia, never met any of the people who I consider family in my life, hell, he's never met anyone even remotely connected to me. Because we don't go out! We have lived together and been seeing each other for three months and occasionally we'll go to the liquor or grocery store together, once we even went to Gamestop but we have never been out to eat or been on a "date" and last night was just a rare occasion when our plans interceded and we both intended on being in the same place at the same time and happened to see each other.

I remember one night I went out to eat with David. M had left me home alone to go out with his friends and David took me out to Chilli's and then we went to the gym and I remember David telling me a couple days later that M had asked him "How could you go out to eat with her? How did you deal with the people staring?' David defended me to the death, God love him. But M needs to realize that I am not some sort of monster, I am not morbidly obese and many men find my curves incrediably attractive...yet the one guy I choose to give my heart to is the one who thinks I need to lose 80lbs in order to be with me...how fucked is that? I have lost 70lbs in the past year and a half...I take diet pills, I drink endless amounts of water, I eat healthy and go to the gym everyday. I'm busing my ass to lose more weight and it's not for him, it's for me. I want to walk outside in a pair of size 8 or 10 pants and feel confident and sexy. I was so proud of myself for losing all the weight I've lost and I never questioned I was beautiful after that...well not at least until I met M.

I am so worried now, I have bubble guts and my heart is pounding...I don't know if I'm strong enough not to cave.

It's funny, I got a tattoo on my foot of the word "Brave"...I got that tattoo after M. and I got in a fight one night and I got it to remind me that I didn't need anyone but myself to get by, I got it to remind me especially that I didn't need M or any other man to validate my existance and that I am a brave and strong and intelligent woman...thing is, I believed it that night...I believed it for a few days after...I'm having a wicked hard time believing it right now.