So my cell phone just vibrated and I felt this ridiculous surge of adrenaline to my heart, I got a head rush. Turns out it was just a telemarketer...
How did I let myself get this way? How did I give myself to someone like this when he doesn't deserve it. I want him to beg for forgiveness today so I can say "It's okay baby, I forgive you. We're going to be fine..." But a) I know that will never happen and b) even if hell froze over and it did, everything would not be fine with us...as much as I think we're perfect for each other, out there, I am beginning to realize there is someone just as perfect who thinks I'm beautiful and worthy just the way I am, not the way I'll be 80lbs from now.
M and I have similar lifestyles, we love the same movies and we're both avid readers. We love the same music and the same food, we love to cook together and drink wine and sing to each other, our lips barely touching...God I'm such a sucker...I am so mad at him and yet when I think about the last night we spent together, drunkenly singing to each other, I get chills remembering how his breath felt against my lips and my neck and my ears...I get chills remembering how his bare skin feels on mine when we're sleeping...I get chills remembering that one of the things I love about him and and about us is that he tries to be strong around everyone else but with me, I can see how vulnerable he really is...
I doubt he cares enough that this will break him but he's already so fucking emotionally fragile that I don't know...it could...I know that David is about .5 seconds away from being done with him and that hurts M. I know that his relationship with John is strained because of issues that Leeann and M have. I know that he's scared to death he'll never get on a department and end up alone for the rest of his life. I know that he's reckless and he doesn't really care what happens to him.
When we talk today, I'll see how much he remembers and what his friend told him about last night...thing is, his friend doesn't know the half of it...his friend doesn't know that he was in extreme pain because of his legs, his friend doesn't know that M was getting ready to fight, his friend doesn't know that he said he loved me and made me swear not to leave his side for the rest of the night. His friend doesn't know that I have spent the last 3 months of my life living with M and sleeping in the same bed with him and doesn't know that all I want is to take care of him and love him and make him happy. I swear, his friend probably has filled his head with all kinds of crap at this point. "That fat drunk bitch was doing this and this and this...and she called 100 times (when in actuality it was 2), she was all over you and being all depressed and shit because you weren't paying attention to her..." That's all his friend saw...his friend didn't see M reaching for me to steady himself or holding onto me for support because his legs weren't working right, doesn't know that M and I have a history outside of that bar.
I know my story is not over. I don't know if this is the end of M's chapter or if I'm just digressing in the plot and I'll return to him later on, when the time is right. One thing my first love, Cedric (still my best friend despite breaking heart) has engrained into me is to never have expectations and to never close a door and lock it. I'm closing this door, there's still a sliver of light at the end as there is with most doors, but as for right now, the door is being closed...
...I know if I don't close this door I'm going to jump out of the window instead...and there's no one to catch me at the bottom.
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