"To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain..."

Last night was the definition of miserable. It had it's highlights but nothing to outshine the end result and the conclusion I've come to since then.

Meghan got to my house about 8:30pm and we headed to the Dallas Bull. I knew M was going to be there so I made sure I looked freaking great...my hair was done, I was wearing a black tank that showed off my best "assets" for lack of a better description and everything.

We get inside the bar and I notice M immediately with his friend and a girl who I later learned was his friend's girlfriend...he was being very flirtatious and handsy with her. I sent him a text and said "You look busy, I'll say hi later." Meghan and I got our drinks and went to shoot some pool. M saw me and kept looking over at me and I made damn sure to act like I was having a great time, even if secretly I wanted to go and say hi to him right then and there.

Meghan and I went to refill our drinks and while at the bar, M got up and walked right by me on his way to the bathroom and right by me on the way back. Not one word or touch or glance. And so I text him again and said "Guess saying hi is no longer an option." and got a text back saying "Yep, it is." So we went and said hi and hung out with M and his friends.

First and foremost, M didn't completely ignore me which is a shock, but he did hit on my friend...both in front of me and behind my back. I went to the bathroom and one point and he grabbed on  her trying to get her to dance on him and all kinds of stuff...just bull crap. And he was drunk but no excuse. After that, I decided to go play pool again and on my way back to where M was he met me in the middle of the floor and was being super nice and whatever on his way to the bathroom. He came back from the bathroom and made me swear not to leave him again, made me swear not to let him go anywhere alone. So I kept my promise, stuck by his side the rest of the night despite the disrespect and abuse he was showing me. He was miserable. As was I. We are both single and subsequently lonely and the thing is, I love him like crazy. I care about him so much and he can't bring himself to feel the same about me because of my weight. It's disgusting. And yet, I still go back to him every time.

Well after about two hours of the put-downs and the "Oh, Maddy's on my mind" (His ex who cheated on him.) and everything else, I went outside with Meghan to have a good girlie cry and a smoke. M and his friends came out not five minutes later to leave...walked right by me and didn't say a thing. Needless to say, I flipped the hell out. Followed them to the truck and Meghan and I called his name and they kept walking. Finally got M to stop and Meghan dealt with his friends who were being complete asses. The guy's girlfriend, when we said I needed to talk to M, just said "What for?" and apparently Meghan gave her an earful while I pulled M to the side. I said "You're just going to leave and not say anything?" and he was like "I don't know why we're leaving..." He was that drunk. Anyway we made plans for me to follow them to M's house so that I could take care of him at home. His friend heard us make these plans and heard me say I'll be there in 45minutes.

I dropped Meghan off and headed to Largo, about a 45 minute drive from my house. Get to his house, lights off, doors locked. Figured he went in and passed out. I called him and said come open the door. And he goes "I'm not at home." I about lost it. Turns out his friend had a total disregard for the conversation we'd had in the parking lot of the bar and took M to his house. M told me that he'd be home soon and to wait for him and as we're discussing this, his friend takes the phone and says "M has to go." and hung up. I called back and his friend answered. I said "Is he staying there tonight?" and he said "Yeah, don't worry he's in good hands." and I said "I don't doubt that, I just wish you would've said something before I drove all the way to Largo!" and his friend was such a disrespectful douche for lack of better terms and hung up on me again. I had a panic attack...I was LIVID. I called David, a mutual friend of M's and mine, and just let loose. I drove the hour to Carrollwood and spent the night crying with Meghan.

I sent M a text this morning telling him to call me when he gets up. If I don't hear from him, which I doubt I will, I'm calling him afterwork and telling him we HAVE to talk...and by talk, I mean he's going to sit there and listen to me tear him a new one, watch me grab the little bit of stuff I have at the house and walk out the door.

I always promised I wouldn't be "that girl" and that's EXACTLY what I have become. I am chasing him like a sick puppy and it's pathetic and sad and I cannot let myself be that girl anymore. I'm scared as hell that I'm going to cave today when I go talk to him, I don't know if I'm strong enough to say that I'm better than this, better than him.